I’ve had 4 days of feeling “good” and I feel so blessed by that. Today started on the down hill again. Started getting weird pains in my head and immediately started praying it wasn’t anything serious. Man, once I start getting all sick again, it’s just rough. I feel as if i’m going to faint at any second and the fatigue is out of control. I think the thing that I’ve been having the hardest time with though is just the sense of all the people my age not relating at all. It’s pretty hard to make deep relationships during these kind of times when you just can’t understand. I’ve had so much support, and I feel so loved and so thankful for that. I’ve made friends with older women that I’m so grateful for and I love them so much. I guess I just feel so out of place in my age group, but I guess I’ve felt like this for years.
The thing that I’ve learned most from all of this is that the things of this world truly don’t matter. I’ve been having the hardest times watching girls my age struggle with so much vanity. Of course we want to look pretty! Ha I definitely don’t like looking sick that’s for sure. But the countless hours that girls are spending on themselves isn’t worth it. Search your heart. That’s where the beauty is. I know that sounds so cliche, but it’s so true. I pray for the girls of this generation for their focus to not be so incredibly on the outside. It’s so hard for me to watch, and way harder for me to hear. I feel so heartbroken over it. Through all of my suffering, I do feel so thankful that my eyes have been opened to all the vanity that this world has to offer. i pray the same for you. ♥
Finally made it to the ocean! I can not even explain how in awe I am of the beauty of this place. So blessed to be able to come down here and spend time with such an amazing family, and to be able to wake up and see this amazing view. I may not have any energy at all, but I’m so full of joy it doesn’t seem to matter.
Rousseaux has been encouraging me to keep writing, so here I go!
The past couple days have been some of the hardest days I’ve been through. I’ve been sick with this disease for 11 years and somehow have managed to never have internal bleeding (except when I got my first port in..ouch). So the other day when I wake up and am feeling pretty sick my first thought is, “I’m fine”. My husband and parents love my go-to answer. Well, I wasn’t fine. When I first saw the blood in my stool (sorry if that grosses you out) I told myself it wasn’t a big deal. About 5 minutes later I’m over the toilet throwing up blood, then back on with so much blood coming out of me. I got pretty scared. I could barely walk, my body was so weak. Rous and I rushed to the ER and thankfully they got me in pretty quick. There are some nights where I go to bed and have weird pains in my head and I’m a little scared, I pray that the Lord will keep my alive while I sleep. Other than that I’m not really scared. That day in the ER I couldn’t stop crying, I felt like I was going to faint and I didn’t think I would wake up. I don’t ever want to fear like I did that day. They gave me platelets to stop the bleeding. Now, I’ve had bags and bags of platelets throughout the years, but for some reason I was allergic to this bag. Rous and my good friend, Libby, had left the room for a bit. I sat up and my throat was closing. I started yelling to the nurses that I couldn’t breathe. I got so scared again. They came in and said I wasn’t having an allergic reaction. Ha, now let me tell you, if there’s one thing I know, it’s when I’m having a reaction to something. Thankfully after a couple minutes of hardly breathing they injected me with Benadryl. I was knocked out for 3 hours. I woke up to my sweet husband and dear friend Libby comforting me. My amazing pastors, Wes and Ian were there shortly to talk and encourage. It means so much to have a pastor that truly understands and cares because of the circumstances in his life. I feel so thankful.
I eventually made it out of the ER and into a nice room. I have the hardest time sleeping in there. I feel so exhausted just from the lack of sleep. My doctor would wake me up in the morning to talk about what we’re going to do. The thing is I’ve tried everything. Well, not everything. There are chemos that I haven’t had that he wants to try as a last resort. I’m so against it. So against anything that’s going to kill my body and make me weaker. My doctor is so afraid for my life, he literally doesn’t understand how I’m alive. Well, I have 100s of people praying for me (thank you!!) and I truly believe that’s kept me alive all these years. Jesus has a plan. It has been hard for me all these years to continue to hear that people are praying for me and I’m still sick. That, sadly is my lack of faith. Prayer truly is a powerful thing.
I’m off tomorrow to Southern California to be in the sun and renew my spirit! I get to spend time with some of the dearest people to me. I feel so loved and so encouraged by all of you.