I went to bed around 1 last night and woke back up at 4 shaking uncontrollably, again. I can’t believe how sick and tired I feel. I was suppose to get a spinal tap yesterday but platelets were only 3000. So I’ve been getting an infusion all night. They already drew my blood, at around 5:30 this morning. I mean come on people in these beds need rest. They won’t do the test unless they’re at least 100,000. I’m beyond frustrated though. The neurologist who wants to give it to me says chances are it’s not going to show anything, and if it were him he wouldn’t even do it…. Ok. So then why won’t you send me up to OHSU to get a second opinion. I’m beyond upset about this. Doesn’t make any sense. I can’t get up there unless I am referred but he won’t do it unless I get the tap, but if it were him he wouldn’t get it. Am I going crazy? I kinda feel like it.
This is the first time in a long time where I feel depression coming on. I hate that word. I’m praying whole heartily for joy in the midst of suffering, but I seem to be lacking a lot of joy right now. Tears have been running down my face for days now. The feeling of hopelessness is a hard one.
Rous has been so good at being encouraging. Yesterday he said if we put our trust in man it will fail, but if our trust is in The Lord it can not fail. He won’t fail us. Hard to lean on when you’re in pain and having crazy anxiety over this, but I’m trying so hard to have faith. To have peace.
Rousseaux text me yesterday when he left the hospital and asked if he could get me anything. I said, “peace, patience, joy…I have the long suffering part down.” I thought it was pretty funny. I try to find has much humor as I can during these times otherwise I’d be crying way more.
We’ll see today what my platelets are, decide for sure about whether to get the spinal tap, and hopefully get some dr to get me an urgent referral to OHSU. If you’re reading this please pray. I know there are 100s of people praying and it’s hard to not question why The Lord won’t answer, but I know He hears our prayers and in due time this will all be over. I’ve never wanted heaven so badly as these past couple months. There will be no more pain, suffering or tears. I long for it so badly. I have a dear friend who is also sick, she has over 1000 tumors in her body, she’s in pain and it’s incredibly hard on her spirit. One day we were texting and she said, “somedays I just close my eyes and pretend I’m in heaven.”. I love you, Kelly. Not many people can relate to physical long suffering. It’s a hard one, I’m thankful for a friend who gets it.
Again I just want to say thank you so much for all the love and support. So much money has already been donated and Rousseaux and I feel so humbled by the generosity. I’m praying The Lord uses this for answers and healing.
Be thankful for good health. Be thankful for all the little things.
Several friends came by and as they prayed for Hannah I considered how God’s love has been so tangible and visible through the kindness, generosity and selfless giving of so many of you. Thank you for being His hands and shoiwing His heart to us in so many ways. God has worked miracles through your prayers, so persevere in prayer. The ears of the Almighty hear your petitions and He delights to grant your requests to increase your faith and glorify His name.
I write the second half of this to encourage you Hannah. As you lay on the hospital bed unable to sleep I want you to know how grateful I am to be on this couch next to you…even though I would prefer to be on that inflatable bed with you…but I understand. I move around a lot and it’s hard for you to sleep.
You are such a wonderful blessing in my life Hannah. Through your example and endurance I am learning one of the most important lessons of my life. From watching you and being by you side through all these various trials I am learning what it means to hope in the midst of suffering .
We hear the word ‘hope’ used in a lot of improper ways. It is is a word that often carries no real weight because the objects of our ‘hope’ are generally temporary things and the ‘hope’ that we have in these things is nothing more than an uncertain desire. When I say hope, however, I mean it in the true sence of the word; I mean an unshakable confident expectation of future blessing based on God’s promises. Posessing this hope is the unique privelage that we have as disciples of Jesus. We do not hope in hope, nor is our hope founded on the sinking sand of this age. We have a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from dead! (1 Peter 1:3) That is so much more than a pick-me-up verse to put on the calendar. That is the solid rock on which all of our hope is built. The resurrection of Jesus from the dead is the assurance that He has purchased us by the blood of His cross, and that in Him we are secure, no matter what this life may bring. Neither death nor life, nor things present nor things to come, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord. This is our hope in the midst of suffering.
Why then does God allow suffering? I cannot give a sufficient answer, but this I do know. God allows suffering to dim the lights in this life and allow the glory that will be revealed at the coming of His Son to shine brightly in our hearts. Everyone who has this hope in Him is purified, just as He is pure. Hearts are purified as the flames of suffering burn away the dross of worldliness. Faith is purifed as suffering tears from our grip all of the temporary things that we naturally cling to. Hope is purified as suffering cuts away the unfruitful branches which keep our eyes from seeing the Son. Rejoice therefore my beloved bride. His hand may feel heavy, but all of the most beautiful vessels are crafted with the hands of such a Potter. These trials may seem overwhelming, but what comparison are they to the glory that will be revealed? The pruning knife may cause tears, but the fruit which is being produced through your life is feeding the multitudes. My love for you and my admiration for you continue to grow for you daily. Hope in the Lord and in the return of our King..
May the grace and peace of God our Father fill all who are in Christ Jesus.
This is all for and about my Mom. I don’t even know how to begin to express the love and support she’s shown me. The years of being there with me at Drs visits, hospital visits and lots and lots of sick days at home. Always eager to serve and be there for me. Always loving me no matter how feisty I would get while sick. She’s been so encouraging to me through it all. One of my best friends. Thank you, Mom, from the bottom of my heart for being there for me, loving, making me laugh, cooking, caring and being patient with me. So many years of this lifestyle, so sad you have to deal with it, but I’m so blessed that you did it with me. I love you with my whole heart.♥