I went to bed around 1 last night and woke back up at 4 shaking uncontrollably, again. I can’t believe how sick and tired I feel. I was suppose to get a spinal tap yesterday but platelets were only 3000. So I’ve been getting an infusion all night. They already drew my blood, at around 5:30 this morning. I mean come on people in these beds need rest. They won’t do the test unless they’re at least 100,000. I’m beyond frustrated though. The neurologist who wants to give it to me says chances are it’s not going to show anything, and if it were him he wouldn’t even do it…. Ok. So then why won’t you send me up to OHSU to get a second opinion. I’m beyond upset about this. Doesn’t make any sense. I can’t get up there unless I am referred but he won’t do it unless I get the tap, but if it were him he wouldn’t get it. Am I going crazy? I kinda feel like it.
This is the first time in a long time where I feel depression coming on. I hate that word. I’m praying whole heartily for joy in the midst of suffering, but I seem to be lacking a lot of joy right now. Tears have been running down my face for days now. The feeling of hopelessness is a hard one.
Rous has been so good at being encouraging. Yesterday he said if we put our trust in man it will fail, but if our trust is in The Lord it can not fail. He won’t fail us. Hard to lean on when you’re in pain and having crazy anxiety over this, but I’m trying so hard to have faith. To have peace.
Rousseaux text me yesterday when he left the hospital and asked if he could get me anything. I said, “peace, patience, joy…I have the long suffering part down.” I thought it was pretty funny. I try to find has much humor as I can during these times otherwise I’d be crying way more.
We’ll see today what my platelets are, decide for sure about whether to get the spinal tap, and hopefully get some dr to get me an urgent referral to OHSU. If you’re reading this please pray. I know there are 100s of people praying and it’s hard to not question why The Lord won’t answer, but I know He hears our prayers and in due time this will all be over. I’ve never wanted heaven so badly as these past couple months. There will be no more pain, suffering or tears. I long for it so badly. I have a dear friend who is also sick, she has over 1000 tumors in her body, she’s in pain and it’s incredibly hard on her spirit. One day we were texting and she said, “somedays I just close my eyes and pretend I’m in heaven.”. I love you, Kelly. Not many people can relate to physical long suffering. It’s a hard one, I’m thankful for a friend who gets it.
Again I just want to say thank you so much for all the love and support. So much money has already been donated and Rousseaux and I feel so humbled by the generosity. I’m praying The Lord uses this for answers and healing.
Be thankful for good health. Be thankful for all the little things.