Just In The Hospital

I feel like all my posts have been so depressing lately. I have been extra sad and have had the hardest time holding on to hope. But there is so much for me to be thankful for. Monday I go down to Medford to see my old hematologist and to start getting all my treatments and care down there. She has always been there for me and eager to help whenever. I’m going to be seeing the drs down there instead of the ones up here. It’s crazy how big of a difference the care is here. I just can’t wait to get real help. I’ll get my treatments from my favorite nurses who I love so much and have treated me beyond loving all these years. I actually trust them with touching my body. The majority up here have not done a very good job…. Ugh so bad. Thankfully Rousseaux is right beside me to remind me to be kind 🙂 I can be a little forceful and ungracious when doing the hospital thing.
I’m currently in the hospital getting a treatment. Praying this lasts in my body longer than usual. I haven’t had bruising like this in almost a year. Yikes. People ask how I get my bruises. I normally tell them just from breathing. Which is a joke… For those who don’t know my humor. I’m either crying or making jokes about all of this. I prefer joking.
I’m seeing a GI Dr for the first time at the end of this month. Im really hoping he finds some answers to all my crazy miserable symptoms. The newest neurologist I saw said that something is clearly wrong with me. I was so excited because he actually acknowledged that something was wrong….then he said he’ll see me in two weeks. No tests..nothing. That was kinda when I hit my breaking point with the drs here.
My body longs to be free of this. My heart does too. My hearts never longed for heaven so bad. No more sickness, pain or tears. How amazing is that?
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July 9th

I don’t even know how to keep writing about everything that’s been going on. To be sick this long with no answers has been the hardest thing for me. I saw a new neurologist a couple days ago and he took a long time to hear everything and get all my information on the computer of all my tests over the past couple months. He said he definitely thinks some things going on… That isn’t anxiety. Something connected to my brain, heart and bowels. He’s going to team up with my neurologist and find some answers. He said there is a high possibility that I have either a weird bacteria in me or my body has started another auto immune disease. I don’t really like the sound of either, but I’m so desperate for an answer. I was so thankful for a Dr that seemed yo care instead of the last neurologist I saw who just loaded me up with prescriptions and that’s it.
I was crying to Rousseaux today because I feel so beyond trapped inside my own body. A body that is killing itself and that hurts all the time. I long to be free from all of this pain and sickness. I feel like I’ve tried everything but there is just nothing more I can do. I try to have more faith and peace, but wow it is beyond hard. I’m hoping this new Dr helps. My hope though can’t be in man. It just can’t. They will fail and disappoint. But there is One who will never fail. I wish I could say I feel stronger through this, but I’ve never felt so weak before. Really physically, emotionally and spiritually. So weak. BUT He is strong.
I would have lost heart, unless I had believed that i would see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait on the Lord; be of good courage, and He shall strengthen your heart; wait I say on the Lord.
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