“Faith I can look up to”

So I leave for the Mayo Clinic in 8 days. I’m sad to say the fear of nothing happening out weighs my hope of healing. I do know something good will come of it. God is in the midst.

I received a letter the other day that touched me in a way that no words really ever had. It hit so hard at what I’ve desired to come from my sickness. It gave me a joy that this isn’t all for nothing. The Lord really is at work. I learned at a young age to not care about the physical appearance so it was always hard to relate to girls for me because I know that’s what we’re pushed to do. To look like those girls that are touched up in magazines.. To be perfect. But none of us are. My body was far from perfect, on the inside especially. So I didn’t really care about the out. I need to be reminded though to not be consumed with getting the inside perfect and healthy but really my heart. My soul. We’re not on earth to be perfectly beautiful and healthy creatures (although it seems like some have it all you don’t know their heart). We’re here to be a light in this dark world. I pray that that above all is my hearts desire. I long so badly to be free from all pain and suffering, and fear that being sick has brought but I want to long even more to be like Jesus. To love the unlovable, to be gracious, kind, understanding, a joy to be around.. And very forgiving.

So from a younger age I saw things differently. These words I read gave me a hope that all this hasn’t been for nothing. That the Lord has used my bad for good. I feel so beyond grateful. The girl that wrote me this letter we may have talked once in our lives but I’ve always just thought she was a stunning girl. These are her words:

This letter is a couple of years too late, but nonetheless, I wanted to share with you how you’ve inspired me. This may sound strange because we don’t know each other very well, but I have always looked up to you. When I would see you at church or see your activity on MySpace (lol), I thought you had the best style. I remember that you weren’t afraid to be natural, and you always looked so beautiful. I have what I call the “lion hair” as well and I used to be SO SCARED to wear it unstyled. It also took me a long time to go anywhere without makeup. You have influenced me through your own style and confidence to be secure in my natural beauty and a couple years ago I decided that I’m beautiful, just as God made me. I was told briefly by a friend about what you’re going through and I’m so sorry. You show such strength and dignity, grace and loveliness. You entirely emanate a beautiful woman of God and I’m sure you reach so many people that you don’t even know. Proverbs 31:30-31 says, “charm is deceptive and beauty does not last; but a woman who fears the Lord will be greatly praised.” You have such a unique opportunity , to witness to those who are sick, to show (as you have already) the joy the Lord brings in your life. I want to encourage you that no matter what the Lord places in your life, to know you are shining and He works everything together for good. Thank you for having faith I can look up to.

With love, C

Just writing down her letter I’m crying. I didn’t show this to puff myself up but to show how much those words meant. Through suffering… Goodness comes. When you suffer you have the opportunity to show love and be a light or to become bitter and hard. I struggled with the latter for years but am glad I’m free of that. He works EVERYTHING together for good.

Thank you to all have said my suffering has encouraged them and I’m sorry to those who have heard me complain.

Thank you for your support friends xox

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