Always Yours

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I just had my 24th birthday. It’s funny, birthdays are suppose to be so fun and a celebration but I just have never felt that way. Most people reading this will probably just think I have issues that I need to work through (which sure is true), but I think few will really get this. This year marked the 12th year of being sick. I got sick when I was 12 and have now been doing this for 12 years. Last year, the day after my birthday was the first time I ever had really intensive internal bleeding where it was coming out of both sides of me. It was really scary, but I knew they could stop it.
This past year…has been the hardest one of my life. I’ve never felt so alone, afraid, scared or so sick in my life. I’ve never had so many Drs act like I don’t know what i’m talking about. I’ve never had so many people not able to understand. For most of this year I’ve felt like I was going crazy. I knew something was wrong. I knew I wasn’t just feeling anxiety which is what all these Eugene drs said. I knew something was very wrong. They diagnosed me with an autoimmune heart disease. I felt so sad that I had another disease, but also relieved that something was actually wrong and I wasn’t making it up.
The sad thing is i’m afraid that’s not all that’s wrong. I’m on medication for it, and I feel no different. Always feeling like i’m going to pass out, dizzy, lightheaded…just weird. My seizures have never been so bad, in the 7 years since having them, and i’m on more medication than ever. I do believe something just isn’t quite clicking in the drs minds. something else is wrong. whether i was diagnosed wrong or what.
Yesterday I got off the phone with a surgeon at OHSU. The Mayo Clinic drs found a scar on my brain. They say if they can remove it my seizures will be gone. I’m so willing. When they called me I was in a salon and my dear friend Michelle was going to touch up my hair..how dark it’s become since living in Eugene. My body doesn’t handle this much darkness and rain well. Ha but i’m so eager to get help. Anyways I got off the phone with them and they’re scheduling my first appointment to go up. At that moment I kinda just decided I need a change. So well, i’m in a salon…they’ll be shaving the back of my head soon..why not? i got a change.
For now, I wait for the surgeon appointment, I get more tests done from my neurologist, but mostly I pray for the healing hand of God. I’ve never thought it would be medicine that did it.
This year on my birthday it was so hard. I prayed so much that this would be a year of joy and not sorrow. Of health and not sickness. Of enlightenment and not confusion. I’m not saying it’s not going to be. I ended up driving to the ER on that day and sitting in the parking lot alone crying. Rous was at work and I didn’t want to bother him (not that i would be, i know. It’s a mental thing). I had terrible pain in the back of my head, a lot of bruising and I was so scared i was having bleeding up there. I didn’t want to go in because well, this ER is a complete joke.  i won’t even get into the time i’ve wasted, been ignored and treated like a fool in there. So I didn’t want to go in and deal with that, but I also didn’t want to bleed in my brain. So i sat and cried and prayed. I ended up driving home and just feeling so sad and alone.
I’m writing this post not to say that i’m alone. I’m writing this, well mostly for myself, to get out The fears I have, the hopelessness, the sickness i feel, the doubt, worry, the emptiness… This isn’t IT. This is not my life. There is a reason for it all. Though I doubt God, and my faith is so weak at moments. I KNOW. I KNOW this isn’t it. This is not eternity. There will be a day when every tear will be wiped away. There will be no more pain or suffering. I’m still sad, but I know this isn’t the end.
For the people who have had the faith for me, thank you. I need to hear those words so badly. To hear your faith strengthens me so much. I need to be encouraged. So many people come to me to hear advice and encouragement, but i don’t think people realize how much I really need it. So much love from the bottom of my heart to those people.
I heard this song on my birthday and I can’t get it out of my head. These are the words I feel so deeply.
This is the start, this is your heart
This is the day you were born
This is the sun, these are your lungs
This is the day you were born
And I am always yours
These are the scars deep in your heart
This is the place you were born
This is the hole where most of your soul comes ripping out
From the places you’ve been torn
And it is always yours
But I am always yours
Hallelujah, I’m caving in
Hallelujah, I’m in love again
Hallelujah, I’m a wretched man
Hallelujah, every breath is a second chance
And it is always yours
And I am always yours

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4 thoughts on “Always Yours

  1. Dianna

    Dear sweet Hannah,
    I’m so sorry you have had so much to deal with. I wish I knew how to help you. I pray for your health and wisdom for the doctors who care for you. Let me know if there is anything else I can do. Xoxo

    Like

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