I feel like everytime I start to write I have tears in my eyes. Such a strange season of life that I feel is so unreal, and my mind does not know how to grasp it.
I’m currently laying on the couch shaking from how weirdly sick I feel, which isn’t a strange thing in case your’e wondering. No clue if it’s from seizure activity or just my body being the weird self it is. Possibly just all the anxiety, fear and confusion I feel kicking in. I didn’t sleep much last night. I kept waking up all night with my mind racing about the upcoming surgery. It’s just so unreal that this is happening. I want to say how strong my faith is and how encouraged I am, how joyful I feel about it, and how I know it’s all for a good purpose. Sadly that’s not where my mind’s been going.
Before you feel the need to write to me “encouraging” me, just wait. I haven’t really been opening up about everything because I can’t keep hearing people try and fix, help, make me laugh, change my view on everything. Unless you’ve been through a journey of sickness like this just please don’t. I can’t tell you how much it wears me down. I know so much people mean good, but it is the hardest thing to just smile and go, “yep, thanks”.
I’ve vented with others who are very sick about this and we feel the same. Don’t compare your blood draw to this upcoming surgery. It just hurts us. Don’t say you get it because you were really sick for a month in the 4th grade, which of course I’m sad you were, but you’re better (praise the Lord!). This is a daily struggle for SO many people. It’s been almost 14 years of seriously hard health issues. I’m at the point of not being able to smile when someone makes a joke about severe bleeding, seizures, brain surgery, memory loss, me not being able to sit up long because I’ll pass out. It’s just not funny, and it’s not a light topic. It’s a very real and very hard battle I’m going through right now.
I know so much that people do not mean to cause any kind of hurt in me, that’s why I thought I’d open up about it. For me and other people you know who are sick. When people just give me a hug and say they’re so sorry for me, they love me, that means so so much to me. I feel genuinely loved. My dear friend Sloane recently dropped off a bag of delicious food and magazines to help me and I cried. That action meant so much more to me then a, “It could be so much worse.”. The cutest Jessica (who just had a baby!) brings me a meal, and she didn’t even know how I was feeling, made me cry. She just wanted to help. And it helps so much! I feel so loved and cared for! As I write this I know there’s other things people have done but my memory is so far gone right now.
Thank you so much to all my friends who have loved and cared for me! This next season of life is going to be a hard one. December 8th is my brain surgery. They’ll cut open 4 inches of my skull and go in to remove the last remaining part of my scar. I cry as I start typing this. My sweet Dr. said this recovery is going to be hard, this is going to be a lot longer than the last surgery. I can’t even imagine that being true. I was in so much pain, so out of it, severely depressed, couldn’t think right for MONTHS after the last one. Will this one really be harder? I pray it won’t.
Next month I was suppose to be having our baby around this time. Instead I’ll be having my skull cut open. How am I suppose to understand that? I guess that’s when having a God that I really believe in is tested strongly. There has to be a purpose for all these things in my life, there has to be. If not, what even is this life.
We’ve been so blessed with money for this trip and surgery, an amazing place to stay, my parents being able to come. I truly am so thankful for so much. If you’re reading this please pray for the heavy weight I feel. I’ve been blessed so much, but all that is in my mind since the date has been set is this intense surgery. I’ll be out with friends acting as though everything’s normal, I never want to bring up my issues, but dang, I’m about to go through a crazy life event that most people have no clue what it’ll even look/feel like.
Take every thought captive, I know I know. But, it is extremely hard. Everyday is different for me. I’m unable to drive so I’m stuck home most days alone, and wow it is tough. You’re unable to drive till 3 months after having a grand mal. I didn’t think it would be this hard, but it makes me feel even more trapped.
I think about all the hair that will be shaved off, the intense amount of pain I’ll feel, the loneliness I’m scared of feeling (like last surgery), the short term memory that will be damaged more…so on and so on. It’s just a lot. Wow, this is the most depressing one I’ve written yet!
Ha the funny thing is I’m not even depressed, I’m just overwhelmed!
Getting IVIG on the 4th to make sure I have platelets before surgery! 1st long treatment in over a year. I’m just happy I’ll get to see my sweet sweet nurses. Please pray for the medicine to work and that I’ll have an abundant of platelets before and after surgery so I’m not at risk of severe bleeding.
I do hope this all made sense and didn’t sound harsh. I just thought I’d really open up about how hard this has been in every area. So much love to all you who have been seriously supporting me! Thank you for the love I’ve felt by so many.
I may do one more post before surgery, but if not I’ll be back in quite a few months. Thankful to be seizure free, hopefully remembering who you are (half joke hee hee).
This Christmas I’ll be very very weak and out of it so Rousseaux and I are going to get a tree early and celebrate here at home. If you have any other fun ideas to make this special please let me know! I do feel partly guilty for making this a “sad” Christmas (and for way more things) so I wanted to do something special here at home with Rous!
Here is the page to donate ♥
I did also want to leave this song. I’ve been listening to this everyday. A dear friend over in Australia sent it to me awhile back and it has just been stuck in my heart. Thank you sweet Kieran! A super powerful song!