Hurt and Sorrow

As I woke up this morning it was on my heart, that yes, I do need to be here for others going through suffering, going through hard times of life, going through hardness. Since my surgery happened almost 11 months ago, and I feel in no where near my old self, and not all recovered yet. I have felt so afraid by so many things, so afraid of people. I have been treated in a lot of really sad and messed up ways. Pre surgery I was able to handle being uncared for as a sick person, I could handle being gossiped about, I could handle being uncared for. I could even handle constantly compare themselves to me when they as how I’m doing.

Since this last major brain surgery, I am unable to handle those things. It was a severe traumatic experience. Everything that I just wrote about people have still been treating me in this way, Even when I could barely walk, could barely talk, was blind in both eyes (now just a quarter of both eyes), had a brain swollen for so many months, and I couldn’t do anything right. Yet, I was treated in those same ways. It’s mind blowing for me. People would look to themselves about what they wanted from me, when I physically and mentally couldn’t do anything. Could you imagine the pain and fear that caused me?

When people have opened up from me over the years about their health, from ALL over the world (crazy). I don’t just bring up my pain, I truly care for them and can only imagine what it’s like for them to have to go through that situation. I know what it’s like for them to tell me they feel alone…which is the majority of people I know or random people from social media opening up to me. People that know them aren’t even there for them. They feel so uncared for and unloved. They feel so judged.

To say that I haven’t judged anyone would be highly wrong. I know I have over the years. I know how a lot of it has had to do with me being a sick person and seeing things differently, so quick of me to judge, quick of me to want people to be “right”. Still growing in that, and I think we all will for the rest of our lives.

The extreme judgement after this crazy experience has been so hard on me. So quick to judge that I’m already healed, quick to judge that Rous and I are already thinking of having kids, quick to judge that I’m a b word with relationships, when people don’t even know the relationships. It’s been so hurtful to me and so heavy. So ready to stop this blog, ready to stop my work on Instagram. Ready to stop everything and hide so I’m not judged in the way I’m seen.

Talked to my Mom last night because I was about to have moment of reaching my threshold that really makes me a different person. She had said that even if I wasn’t as open as I am, to be there to those who suffer and to be there for those who want to learn. I would still be judged. Even if I didn’t own a phone and computer I would still be judged. The teaching we listened to today had me crying the whole time. The Lord has given us ALL a purpose and He has specific things for us. Since feeling so judged and hurt I’ve wanted to throw away every social media. But I know, I know that I have a clear purpose for these 16 years of suffering. I’ve learned SO much of how to be there for those suffering and I want so deeply for others to be there for those going through crazy hard times. I can’t just give it all up because I feel hurt and uncared for and judged. No, I just have to turn my cheek and pray to God. Give each post to the glory of God, and hopes that other humans understand how not to be there to others in the midst of suffering.

One of the things that I wish I would’ve felt encouraged by was the business I have on Instagram. I’m able to work with so many brands, meet so many people, and be able to work with areas I’m good at. Photography, editing and social media. I have felt like people thing I’m just a girl so into myself. Which I get where you could go with that. But no, I make money. While I”m at home laying flat literally, the majority of all my days. If as a christian you think I shouldn’t be posting photos of myself to make money while working at home, what do you think? Do you understand how that could hurt coming to someone who’s ill? I have a passion for editing and creating content for business, it’s SO healthy for me to be able to work in a way that I”m good at and love. If you think I’m super into myself and want to feel pretty…ha, you don’t know me. I’ve talked very specifically to the people I respect about this subject. I’ve met and reached to so many people, a lot who aren’t even saved. Who see me on social media as somebody different, but they relate because they have a job with companies like I do. Hopefully this will be my last time even talking about this. If you think I’m all healed and better because I post photos of myself, nope. I do it when able for brands to pay me, and then work on editing when I’m unable to go walk around.

I know many others who “look” normal, and are talked like they are fine and healthy because they look fine. No, we’re not. Just because we look fine, in no way means we feel good and are healthy people. I feel for every single one who’s talked to me about this or who’s reading this and gets it. If you saw me at home when I feel so sick, maybe you would stop assuming and judging. For all the sick people I speak this.

For the extreme few people who I have felt so cared for and loved during this traumatic affection of my life, wow I thank you more than could ever be expressed. To my neurologist who has to email me back constantly saying, I’m STILL recovering from this brain surgery, I thank you. Making me feel like one day I’ll be better, one day it all won’t be this hard. But, that’s up to the Lord. Whether I’m sick on this earth, God’s the one with a purpose or whether I’m healed and feel what life is really like not sick one day, then I would so highly praise God and give it all to Him.  ♥

 

 

 

 

I love taking photos of the ocean. IMG_4845.jpg

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8 thoughts on “Hurt and Sorrow

  1. mommaleche

    I feel like I must have fallen off of a turnip truck. I can’t believe how mean spirited people are! I follow your blog because I know your mom just a tiny bit. I am 63 years old but I can come and kick a$$ and takes name if another mean person comes around! Really! Thank you Hannah for sharing your story. It reminds me that the good ess of God in peoples lives looks different than in others. May you find peace and rest. ❤️

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  2. jaytoozay@gmail.com

    I’m so sorry you are going through all of this!

    You probably wouldn’t remember me, especially without seeing a photo, but we went to high school and the same youth group. I was a few years older than you though. Anyway, about 2 years ago I found out my son who was 20 weeks in utero had a major heart issue. Fast forward through a very scary pregnancy he was born at 35 weeks with a rare type of cardiomyopathy and we were told he’d need a heart transplant if he survived. We spent months in the hospital and by God’s grace he was able to come home but with a ton of medication. He’s about 21 months old now and doing well but he’s still very sick. You’d never know by just lookin at him except he’s a bit pale. People don’t understand the turmoil I go through everyday not knowing what the next day will bring. Whether his heart will decline and need a heart transplant or whether he’ll have a sudden cardiac arrest and I won’t be able to do anything to save him. Sometimes the stress is unbearable but God…

    Anyway, I’m ALWAYS encouraged by reading your posts because I remember seeing you in school and church and I had no idea you were suffering so much. It gives me hope for my baby boy. That although his life is going to look very different than most he can grow up with a love and passion for Christ despite the pain. He can pursue love and maybe get married. He can pursue his passions and touch the world in whatever capacity the Lord may have.

    I also think about your parents and they give me hope too, a LOT of hope. They were able to raise a daughter in the love of Christ despite their own pain and stress. If they can do it then so can I.

    Thank you so much, Jessica Broderick (maiden name was Touzet)

    PS. I live in Austin, TX and would love to see you guys if you’re ever near the area!🧡🧡🧡

    Sent from my iPhone

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    1. Hannah Rose

      Oh my goodness! I completely remember you and your husband (I just looked you up!). Wow, thank you for sharing all of that. Sorry you have had to go through so much and go through it every single day. I will pray for you all and especially strength for you babies heart. Thank you for sharing ❤️

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  3. Jodee taylor

    If I could hold you as a grandma would I would you are so sweet and have been thru so much there is a large group of people who think you are amazing and I am one of the many. In Jesus a grandma of 9. I love you. Jodee

    Like

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