Hurt and Sorrow

As I woke up this morning it was on my heart, that yes, I do need to be here for others going through suffering, going through hard times of life, going through hardness. Since my surgery happened almost 11 months ago, and I feel in no where near my old self, and not all recovered yet. I have felt so afraid by so many things, so afraid of people. I have been treated in a lot of really sad and messed up ways. Pre surgery I was able to handle being uncared for as a sick person, I could handle being gossiped about, I could handle being uncared for. I could even handle constantly compare themselves to me when they as how I’m doing.

Since this last major brain surgery, I am unable to handle those things. It was a severe traumatic experience. Everything that I just wrote about people have still been treating me in this way, Even when I could barely walk, could barely talk, was blind in both eyes (now just a quarter of both eyes), had a brain swollen for so many months, and I couldn’t do anything right. Yet, I was treated in those same ways. It’s mind blowing for me. People would look to themselves about what they wanted from me, when I physically and mentally couldn’t do anything. Could you imagine the pain and fear that caused me?

When people have opened up from me over the years about their health, from ALL over the world (crazy). I don’t just bring up my pain, I truly care for them and can only imagine what it’s like for them to have to go through that situation. I know what it’s like for them to tell me they feel alone…which is the majority of people I know or random people from social media opening up to me. People that know them aren’t even there for them. They feel so uncared for and unloved. They feel so judged.

To say that I haven’t judged anyone would be highly wrong. I know I have over the years. I know how a lot of it has had to do with me being a sick person and seeing things differently, so quick of me to judge, quick of me to want people to be “right”. Still growing in that, and I think we all will for the rest of our lives.

The extreme judgement after this crazy experience has been so hard on me. So quick to judge that I’m already healed, quick to judge that Rous and I are already thinking of having kids, quick to judge that I’m a b word with relationships, when people don’t even know the relationships. It’s been so hurtful to me and so heavy. So ready to stop this blog, ready to stop my work on Instagram. Ready to stop everything and hide so I’m not judged in the way I’m seen.

Talked to my Mom last night because I was about to have moment of reaching my threshold that really makes me a different person. She had said that even if I wasn’t as open as I am, to be there to those who suffer and to be there for those who want to learn. I would still be judged. Even if I didn’t own a phone and computer I would still be judged. The teaching we listened to today had me crying the whole time. The Lord has given us ALL a purpose and He has specific things for us. Since feeling so judged and hurt I’ve wanted to throw away every social media. But I know, I know that I have a clear purpose for these 16 years of suffering. I’ve learned SO much of how to be there for those suffering and I want so deeply for others to be there for those going through crazy hard times. I can’t just give it all up because I feel hurt and uncared for and judged. No, I just have to turn my cheek and pray to God. Give each post to the glory of God, and hopes that other humans understand how not to be there to others in the midst of suffering.

One of the things that I wish I would’ve felt encouraged by was the business I have on Instagram. I’m able to work with so many brands, meet so many people, and be able to work with areas I’m good at. Photography, editing and social media. I have felt like people thing I’m just a girl so into myself. Which I get where you could go with that. But no, I make money. While I”m at home laying flat literally, the majority of all my days. If as a christian you think I shouldn’t be posting photos of myself to make money while working at home, what do you think? Do you understand how that could hurt coming to someone who’s ill? I have a passion for editing and creating content for business, it’s SO healthy for me to be able to work in a way that I”m good at and love. If you think I’m super into myself and want to feel pretty…ha, you don’t know me. I’ve talked very specifically to the people I respect about this subject. I’ve met and reached to so many people, a lot who aren’t even saved. Who see me on social media as somebody different, but they relate because they have a job with companies like I do. Hopefully this will be my last time even talking about this. If you think I’m all healed and better because I post photos of myself, nope. I do it when able for brands to pay me, and then work on editing when I’m unable to go walk around.

I know many others who “look” normal, and are talked like they are fine and healthy because they look fine. No, we’re not. Just because we look fine, in no way means we feel good and are healthy people. I feel for every single one who’s talked to me about this or who’s reading this and gets it. If you saw me at home when I feel so sick, maybe you would stop assuming and judging. For all the sick people I speak this.

For the extreme few people who I have felt so cared for and loved during this traumatic affection of my life, wow I thank you more than could ever be expressed. To my neurologist who has to email me back constantly saying, I’m STILL recovering from this brain surgery, I thank you. Making me feel like one day I’ll be better, one day it all won’t be this hard. But, that’s up to the Lord. Whether I’m sick on this earth, God’s the one with a purpose or whether I’m healed and feel what life is really like not sick one day, then I would so highly praise God and give it all to Him.  ♥

 

 

 

 

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What not to say to a sick person: Part 1

Hello my dear friends, or just random people off the internet, that I’ve met SO many from. This is a huge topic that has been very heavy on me. I’ve talked to SO many others suffering who have to deal with things and feel so alone in this world from what has been effected by them. I want to be there for those suffering so badly. As my recovery still goes I know that one day I’ll be able to be there for others suffering again someday. For now I can just encourage you to not do these things. Which, sadly, the majority of humans do this when they couldn’t even imagine what someone is going through.

Much love. ♥

 

Being Real Video!!

img_5445New Youtube Video! Please Watch!

After having this video for over a week now, I’m finally going to share! The story of my life has been hard, sad, confusing, questioning, sorrowful, trusting, hopeful, passionate and desperate. I know there is a reason for EVERYTHING in our lives, and I’m so hopeful to be there. Opening up on my first video (link in bio) about my life journey, and already working on the second now! I would LOVE to get to know you, love to answer your questions, love to be there for those suffering! Those who can relate to what to say I SO want to hear it! So much love ❤️❤️

Happy Father’s Day

I’ve been meaning to write one like this for/about my Dad.

I don’t really know how to put into words how truly thankful and blessed I am by this man. He’s my strongest rock. Safest help. My greatest encourage that, “it’s ok”. The person I’ll open up to about things that I do not say. He listens, he cares, he helps me.

There are so many ways for me to talk about him, and I don’t think I can even find the words to.

Going back over the years, there’s been a lot. He’s done so much. I’ve probably caused a couple wrinkles (not that you notice any!). He’s never complained for made me feel worthless. I could start writing about before the age of 12 when I became sick, but I guess this blog is mostly open about my life going through all this.

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I remember when I started my period (shhhhh so embarrassing). I was 12 at elementary school, and it all started. None of us knew my platelets are low or we would’ve contacted a dr with the way it was all happening. Not normal to say the least. But I was at school, and called my Dad telling him I needed him to pick me up as soon as possible. He automatically says, “Did you start your period?”. How did he even know haha? I said yes, and he instantly said he was on his way to pick me up. Making me feel supported and safe. I’ll never forget this moment, mostly because it was embarrassing, but all because of how sweet he was to me. He brought over 15 pairs of pants for me. Which is so beyond funny. Such a man. And I appreciate it so much! He knew I needed something!

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He’s rushed me to the hospital all the many times these years. Bloody mouth, bloody nose, period, fevers, infections, just worried. He is eager and so willing (and I know he wants me there pretty bad too :)) to rush me. Day or night. I remember MANY nights of me waking him up and just needing physical help or needing ER times. I’m so thankful for all his work.

There have been so many times where I’ll start feeling “weird” over these years. I have had way too many “weird” feelings followed by seizures or other random health things. He calms me down every single time. Yes something may be going on, but I do not need to be as freaked out or anxiety worse than mine is. So calming and strong for me to keep going, keep fighting, keep believing. I’m so thankful for his care.

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I remember in high school my Dad and I were down by their pond (no clue what we’re doing down there), but I had had a giant bruise bleeding in my wrist. No, not like all these big bruises people like to show from getting hit. All mine are from spontaneous hemorrhaging from my ITP. Just thinking back to my young self I feel sad. I remember talking to my Dad about it, and he truly calmed me down. He wasn’t going to let me bleed to death. He wasn’t going to let me be scared for my wrist bleeding so heavily inside (I went and got one of my weekly infusions). I got to be able to sleep last night, not scared for my life. I’m so thankful how much he has and will protect me.

There have been nurses, Drs, CNAs, phlebotomists..basically lots like that in this whole healthcare I’ve needed over the years. The majority are AMAZING. But there is quit a few who have been very rude, mean and hurtful to a young girl. high schooler and sick woman needing them. EVERY single time my Dad has been there with me during moments with people like that, he will stand up for me. He will speak truth to these people. He will not act like it’s all ok to treat his daughter like that or let me go through it. This right there makes me breath a deep breath full of thankfulness and honor for him! P.S. If you’re one of my dear friends in hospitals and Drs, you KNOW how much I care and love you. I try and tell you every single time!

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I can’t remember the majority of what happened to me over these past 7 months. Just visions or “shots” of an activity from my intense recovery (that I’m still going through). I remember moments from my Dad being the most helpful person I could ever express. I could barely see. I would just grab his arm and he would help me, always telling me what’s about to come as we walk. I remember about 30 seconds in Arizona of just not understanding how to wear clothes or what to put on my body. I really can’t even explain how little I was able to do things. This is when I was at the start of my inability to talk right, and he came and helped me understand the clothes to put on that day, how to put them on, if I’ll be ok wearing them. He sat with me in Arizona and “watched” movies with me all day everyday. I had no clue what was happening in movies because I couldn’t see right, understand that many words, or words even being spoken. He just sat there to be with me. Yep, another thing that makes me cry.

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Noclue the dates or times of any of these memories, but they’re shot into my head even when the majority is gone. Very crazy to me. Months after Arizona we were watching a movie, no clue what. And I told my Dad I needed to talk with him. I was talking to him about everything I was possibly going through will all this. It’s when the side of my left was still swollen and I had zero feel of emotions. It was terrifying. I felt no emotion you could even think of. After this movie I had felt a glimpse of love. And I was telling my Dad how hard it is because I barely feel anything. I told him I know that I completely love him, but I feel none of it. You have to understand, it’s not an emotion I had to not feel these, it’s my brain being very swollen and having to rewire all of my nerves on that side. Very intense. He just helped me know that I will feel again, even though I couldn’t imagine it then. I knew it would happen. He was there for me, and cared through every thing that my brain was dealing with.

I’m so beyond thankful to have him as my father. He really is the best man, and if you know me, you know I don’t feel the need to just say things 🙂 I love you, Dad. ♥

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My heart breaks for the beautiful friends in my young life who have lost their Dad. I’m not going to write a long thing, for it is not our job to fill it with words. Someone who has not gone through this (me). I don’t ever want to say words of “encouragement” when that’s not needed or hurtful. My heart has felt very loving to my friends, very caring, and very sorrowful. It’s not just one day a year for those who’ve lost. It’s daily. Care for your friends, never make it all better. Much love to you all ♥

Suffering

My fingers shake and tears stream down my eyes as I begin to type. It’ll be 3 months and 14 days since my brain surgery. I check it everyday. I don’t even know if I have the words to express what happened or what is still going on.

It was hard on my before surgery. Knowing I was going to go through and have my left skull open, instead of my last laser one (crazy painful/hard). I knew it would be hard. Drs knew it would be the most painful one, but none of us thought of what was about to happen.

I only remember “flashes” from the last 3 months. A main part of that is yes, my short term memory. My hippocampus (which controls short term memory). Waking up in the hospital and in pain you will not understand (almost the majority reading, I feel no need being dramatic). They had shaved my hair, cut open my skull, cut my jaw cord, so they could open my mouth on that side much wider. They took out a good chunk of brain.

I remember trying to say words of pain meds. I couldn’t talk right. When I’d open my eyes there was people walking all on the right, animals jumping, lights squealing by in every different color. I’d look at people and have no clue what that person looked like. I could understand the voices I know, but I couldn’t see them. When I looked at people, half of their face was gone. My brain/eyes lost the ability to see the right side on everything. It filled in the missing vision with all the actions floating in that “black out” side for me.

People would talk, and for months I’d say, “what? I don’t get it”. The ability for my brain to hear multiple words in a row was too hard on me to understand. I need few, and very slow. I “stuttered” often, but it was more so me trying to say a word that should come out of my mouth, but it wouldn’t. My mind couldn’t find them. I had to rewire (still working on it) to find words to be able to say.

I had lost all form of emotions. My brain, my body, my heart couldn’t feel them. I felt like a robot who didn’t know how to take care of what I was doing. I felt nothing. What was touched in my brain is of course the side of emotions. It was incredibly hard to understand how to deal with things being said, or even deal with the fact that I wasn’t all better each week. It was a couple months before I felt an actual “love” feeling. Unless you’ve truly been through this there is no way to describe the ability not to even know what it is. It was impacting me so severely. I didn’t know how to do life. Over and over again, everyday, doing the same things. Not talking right, unable to see, can’t read, have lost the majority of names I’ve known even my whole life (I’m learning names of people back slowly), couldn’t remember what happened after each day (I’ve learned to write down days and events), thought my brain wasn’t done right, I couldn’t talk long, it would completely tire my whole body to the ground.

As I type these I still cry. It’s all extremely hard to deal with, but I’m now working on it all slowly. It was very hard the many people who would send words to me, thinking they understand what will help, bible verses, youtube videos, advice on life, relating things they’ve been through. It was beyond hard on me to take in. I full on know people just do not get this at all. Very few people. There is only one man I talked to about all of these, and actually got it because he’s done the SAME thing! I will write about what people shouldn’t do for those truly suffering. I know they wanted to help. It wrecked me though. I’ve learned from years of intense suffering what not to do to those hurting.

I take a big deep breath as I write this. I need to take one day at a time. My ability to handle things i not like normal. They said it was an incredibly traumatic event that happens. It’s good for me to take everything slow, not push myself, not let people come at me, not think I’m going to be all healed in a week. My amazing neurologist said after this surgery it will be up to a year recovery. So I need to just understand that and go slow in life. I’m trying, it’s just all hard on me. Hard to handle.

There is so much for for me to say of what has happened and what is still going on. I need healing in even the strong surgery that just happened. Not just the pain. When people see me don’t think I’m all “normal Hannah” because I’ve now started wearing makeup, putting on normal clothes and seeing me laugh. Each day is different.

My heart goes to those with long term sicknesses. I cry often over it. It’s not like normal things everyone wants to compare their lives with.

I will tell you this. I couldn’t feel anything in me. I couldn’t feel Jesus with me, I couldn’t feel anything. I couldn’t pray. I couldn’t even think words in my mind, and could barely speak out loud. That was beyond hard in not able to go after my Savior. I know more than anything Jesus was with me. I know more than anything He truly cared and was saddened by what I just went through. Once I was able to start “feeling” Christ, praying word at a time to Him tears of “feeling” God. I don’t know how to explain it or truly have you understand it unless you’ve ever had a brain surgery this intense. I told my speech therapist at one time that Jesus has been with me more than anyone my whole life, especially coming from the 12 year old girl who got sick. If I had not none Jesus Christ, and felt is actual presence with me during all these sorrowful years of sickness and intense hospital seasons. I don’t know where I’d be.

Jesus has me here now. There is/must be a reason. Faith as small as a mustard seed will move mountains. I’m hoping for strong faith in Jesus.

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My whole left side, especially my head was swollen for over a month. I have no memory of this picture or it being light in that room at all. Thank goodness for the care in Phoenix♥

Letting you know, I can’t use all words right still. I sound “weird” sometimes. My brain is still working to sound right and understand what comes out of my mouth ❤️

Round Two of Brain Surgery

I feel like everytime I start to write I have tears in my eyes. Such a strange season of life that I feel is so unreal, and my mind does not know how to grasp it.

I’m currently laying on the couch shaking from how weirdly sick I feel, which isn’t a strange thing in case your’e wondering. No clue if it’s from seizure activity or just my body being the weird self it is. Possibly just all the anxiety, fear and confusion I feel kicking in. I didn’t sleep much last night. I kept waking up all night with my mind racing about the upcoming surgery. It’s just so unreal that this is happening. I want to say how strong my faith is and how encouraged I am, how joyful I feel about it, and how I know it’s all for a good purpose. Sadly that’s not where my mind’s been going.

Before you feel the need to write to me “encouraging” me, just wait. I haven’t really been opening up about everything because I can’t keep hearing people try and fix, help, make me laugh, change my view on everything. Unless you’ve been through a journey of sickness like this just please don’t. I can’t tell you how much it wears me down. I know so much people mean good, but it is the hardest thing to just smile and go, “yep, thanks”.

I’ve vented with others who are very sick about this and we feel the same. Don’t compare your blood draw to this upcoming surgery. It just hurts us. Don’t say you get it because you were really sick for a month in the 4th grade, which of course I’m sad you were, but you’re better (praise the Lord!). This is a daily struggle for SO many people. It’s been almost 14 years of seriously hard health issues. I’m at the point of not being able to smile when someone makes a joke about severe bleeding, seizures, brain surgery, memory loss, me not being able to sit up long because I’ll pass out. It’s just not funny, and it’s not a light topic. It’s a very real and very hard battle I’m going through right now.

I know so much that people do not mean to cause any kind of hurt in me, that’s why I thought I’d open up about it. For me and other people you know who are sick. When people just give me a hug and say they’re so sorry for me, they love me, that means so so much to me. I feel genuinely loved. My dear friend Sloane recently dropped off a bag of delicious food and magazines to help me and I cried. That action meant so much more to me then a, “It could be so much worse.”. The cutest Jessica (who just had a baby!) brings me a meal, and she didn’t even know how I was feeling, made me cry. She just wanted to help. And it helps so much! I feel so loved and cared for! As I write this I know there’s other things people have done but my memory is so far gone right now.

Thank you so much to all my friends who have loved and cared for me! This next season of life is going to be a hard one. December 8th is my brain surgery. They’ll cut open 4 inches of my skull and go in to remove the last remaining part of my scar. I cry as I start typing this. My sweet Dr. said this recovery is going to be hard, this is going to be a lot longer than the last surgery. I can’t even imagine that being true. I was in so much pain, so out of it, severely depressed, couldn’t think right for MONTHS after the last one. Will this one really be harder? I pray it won’t.

Next month I was suppose to be having our baby around this time. Instead I’ll be having my skull cut open. How am I suppose to understand that? I guess that’s when having a God that I really believe in is tested strongly. There has to be a purpose for all these things in my life, there has to be. If not, what even is this life.

We’ve been so blessed with money for this trip and surgery, an amazing place to stay, my parents being able to come. I truly am so thankful for so much. If you’re reading this please pray for the heavy weight I feel. I’ve been blessed so much, but all that is in my mind since the date has been set is this intense surgery. I’ll be out with friends acting as though everything’s normal, I never want to bring up my issues, but dang, I’m about to go through a crazy life event that most people have no clue what it’ll even look/feel like.

Take every thought captive, I know I know. But, it is extremely hard. Everyday is different for me. I’m unable to drive so I’m stuck home most days alone, and wow it is tough. You’re unable to drive till 3 months after having a grand mal. I didn’t think it would be this hard, but it makes me feel even more trapped.

I think about all the hair that will be shaved off, the intense amount of pain I’ll feel, the loneliness I’m scared of feeling (like last surgery), the short term memory that will be damaged more…so on and so on. It’s just a lot. Wow, this is the most depressing one I’ve written yet!

Ha the funny thing is I’m not even depressed,  I’m just overwhelmed!

Getting IVIG on the 4th to make sure I have platelets before surgery! 1st long treatment in over a year. I’m just happy I’ll get to see my sweet sweet nurses.  Please pray for the medicine to work and that I’ll have an abundant of platelets before and after surgery  so I’m not at risk of severe bleeding.

I do hope this all made sense and didn’t sound harsh. I just thought I’d really open up about how hard this has been in every area. So much love to all you who have been seriously supporting me! Thank you for the love I’ve felt by so many.

I may do one more post before surgery, but if not I’ll be back in quite a few months. Thankful to be seizure free, hopefully remembering who you are (half joke hee hee).

This Christmas I’ll be very very weak and out of it so Rousseaux and I are going to get a tree early and celebrate here at home. If you have any other fun ideas to make this special please let me know! I do feel partly guilty for making this a “sad” Christmas (and for way more things) so I wanted to do something special here at home with Rous!

Here is the page to donate ♥

I did also want to leave this song. I’ve been listening to this everyday. A dear friend over in Australia sent it to me awhile back and it has just been stuck in my heart. Thank you sweet Kieran! A super powerful song!

 

 

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Mornin’ Smoothie

Hello dear friends,

I hope all is well in your homes and hearts, I’m happy to say it is over here! I had to share with you all my smoothie I make every morning. This past year has been such an eye opening one of how important it is to eat healthy, and I’m such a strong encourager to others to join in, especially those battling a sickness of any kind. It can truly change how you feel and think if you just feed your body real and true nutrients!

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So what are the benefits of all these yummy foods?

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Real Talk

Most of you who have been following on here have noticed a change. It isn’t just about my health, in fact most of it isn’t even talking about my health struggles. I’d love to keep you updated and let you know what’s really going on, please watch this video I made 🙂

 

 

So since I have been working with brands that’s why you’ll see so many pictures on here. I’ve been reaching out to many, and have been contacted by lots. Hoping to make a small income off of working with them. Pass the word around if you feel up to it!

This cozy sweater is from Closet Revival! Loved going to the beach and enjoying it’s warmth 🙂

 

 

Get 20% off with code: shophannah Go check out Closet Revival!

The link to my fundraising page is here ♥♥

And please share!

 

Free People Love

 

Lavender, braids, bees, and flowy Free People ♥

 

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I remember going on this shoot with Dawn, it was the first time we’d met, but we clicked and I adore her. She was so full of joy and made me feel so comfortable and lovely. We were in a little lavender field full of 100s of bumble bees. It was such a pleasant little time and I’m so glad these moments happen.
If you already don’t know Free People is in my top 3 favorite clothing lines. So much bohemian goodness in everything!
What is your favorite Boho brand? ♥

 

P.S. Go find Dawn on Instagram!

In Sickness and in Health

 Four years ago today, Hannah and I walked down the isle, washed each others feet, exchanged vows and rings, and said the brave words, “I do”. After exchanging our personal vows, Bill White, the minister marrying us, included the traditional vows which we were to repeat to one another. You know, “For better or for worse, in riches and in rags, in sickness and in health, till death do us part.” Those were words which I had seriously considered before marrying my girl. As excited as I was to marry my best friend, I had also counted the cost of what marriage may look like.
 Hannah had been through nine years of ITP, meningitis in her brain, and a seizure complex which had no foreseeable end. It was important for me to count the cost so that when I stood with Hannah on our wedding day I would vow only what I was ready to hold true to until death.
 The words “in sickness and in health” are often thoughtlessly repeated by blissful and healthy lovers on their wedding day with no thought of the future. But for us, there was plenty in Hannah’s medical past that gave us concern for what possibly lied ahead, although we didn’t know it would include a debilitating heart condition, multiple years of deep depression, and brain surgery.
 And here we are today. What was expected to be a fun filled romantic dinner in Portland for our anniversary has ended up (ironically) in the Emergency Room in Eugene with a curtain separating us from a women who just had a heart attack, which doesn’t help since Hannah is here with a severe stabbing heart pain sensation.
 What are we to do? Complain? Grumble? Grow bitter that a health crisis interfered with our anniversary plans? Not today. Today I’m thankful. I’m thankful for a bride who has put up with me and my lack of understanding and has taught me how to love. Easy love is often shallow, but the trials, pain, and grief that we’ve gone through together have deepened our love and strengthened our faith in the Lord’s faithfulness. I get to celebrate the fact that we’ve walked through the valley of the shadow of death and did not give up. I praise God for the everlasting joy that He has set before us so that in the midst of sorrow we have hope.
 “We rejoice in hope of the glory of God. Not only that, but we rejoice also in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance…” (Romans 5:2-3). The goal of our sufferings and trials is to conform us into the image of the Son, to strengthen our faith in the Father, and to knit our hearts together in love by the Spirit. And so although I tend to sound triumphalist in these times, I just don’t want to waste a perfectly good trial.
 I washed my wife’s feet on our wedding day to symbolize my pledge to serve her and stay beside her, whatever life may bring. Marriage has not been an easy journey, but the joy and love which we find in our adventure is deeper and more precious than all the enjoyments the world offers; and today I celebrate our love.
Immensely grateful for my Georgia,
Rousseaux