Real Talk

Most of you who have been following on here have noticed a change. It isn’t just about my health, in fact most of it isn’t even talking about my health struggles. I’d love to keep you updated and let you know what’s really going on, please watch this video I made 🙂

 

 

So since I have been working with brands that’s why you’ll see so many pictures on here. I’ve been reaching out to many, and have been contacted by lots. Hoping to make a small income off of working with them. Pass the word around if you feel up to it!

This cozy sweater is from Closet Revival! Loved going to the beach and enjoying it’s warmth 🙂

 

 

Get 20% off with code: shophannah Go check out Closet Revival!

The link to my fundraising page is here ♥♥

And please share!

 

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Inspired by Darling

Hello my wonderful friends!

This new season of my life has been pretty crazy, and dare I say wonderful?! I’ve been so blessed by all the love and support I’ve had. I’ve been so truly blessed to have a life that’s waaaaay more normal than the one I was living. Seizure free, has abled me to start living the life I’ve always dreamed of.

I’m able to have my first job at my most favorite store, Terra Firma Home. Every time I’m there I’m so full of joy. I’ve never have been able to be around people, and meet so so many new people. The only time I was around new (ish) people, was church, and Doctors/hospital visits. So this has brought me so much joy to meet new people, and talk with them.

Rous, and I have been talking about all the plans for the future that we’re now able to do. It’s so crazy. We didn’t realize how held back we were, until I was free of this. The other night at 8 PM we spontaneously drove to the coast, went to bed in our Subaru in the back, woke up at 5 to watch the sunrise.. Of course it was too cloudy and foggy so we explored the ocean. Had such good quality time. We’ve never been able to do things like that because I was too sick. Did this make me extra tired? Yes, but my seizures didn’t double up because of the lack of sleep. Now we can’t wait to see what the future hold for us!

I’ve alway have had a desire to truly be a light to this world. I’ve learned so much from all of this, and want to inspire girls, and others who are suffering. Since having more energy and the ability to do more things, this desire has really increased. I’ve been reaching out to so many people to encourage and help, with just life, and I’m so grateful for it.

I want to share my story with so many, but have never really been able to grasp how. A little over a year ago this article I wrote at Darling Magazine, was chosen to be featured. It’s been so encouraging to me to remember that that happened. I love Darling, and the message they portray of natural, and healthy beauty. I hope to get more involved with them and other businesses like that. If you have any advice please contact me ♥

I have so many dreams for life, and I slowly feel like things are coming forth. I know so many of us have dreams and desires, and we just think that they will never happen so we don’t take a leap of faith. Well, I’m telling you, as a girl who suffered so badly from seizures. And was unable to do so much with my life. Is now taking my leap into new beginnings, you should too! I still have two diseases, but I really want to experience life, so I’m not letting those drag me down.

I hope and pray that you take your leap of faith. If you want to talk more please contact me. ♥

Click HERE to read the Darling post.

Brand New Day

The start of a new day can be one that brings so much sadness and despair, it can bring hoplessness because of the circumstances and pain felt. Today though, isn’t a day like that. I woke up very early, and my whole body just hurt so bad, I felt so beyond tired. And thought, “great, here goes another day like this!”. But as I was sitting on our little couch and the clouds began to fade away and the sun began to shine, I got a restored hope for a good day. It’s good to have a day filled with hope. Today I’m hopeful for a day with energy and joy, a day that i’m able to get stuff done and actually do something with my life. Yay for happy days!

We got home from Arizona on the 28th, which just so happened to be my 25th birthday. It’s so nice to be home and just able to rest, think about everything that happened, talk about the plans for the future and just pray for peace. My birthdays are normally pretty hard for me emotionally, I wish my mind didn’t think this, but it does. Another year of sickness. 13 years..really? 13? Well, this year I will continue praying and believing in healing of my whole body. Brain, blood, and heart.

The trip to Arizona was surprisingly really good. Ok, maybe I shouldn’t say really good. But I was filled with a joy as I was literally locked to the hospital bed. The Drs. all saw it in me and I got to tell them about my hope and faith. I can’t believe how amazing those Drs. were. I saw 5 different doctors and each time they left the room I would cry, not because of sadness, but because of how grateful I am for the true genuine care and concern they had for me. Just the most loving people. I also got to bond with two different nurses. Gosh, they really just know how to make things better. I’m so beyond thankful for good nurses, if you’re a good nurse and you’re reading this, I LOVE YOU!

They were monitoring my brain 24/7 and luckily (?) they sure found what they were looking for. Almost constant activity in my left temporal lobe, which is where my seizures come from. When they took me off my medication, there was constantly abnormal stuff going on there. Even when I wasn’t having one of my seizures things looked wrong in there, which scared them. They all truly believe that removing it is just going to help my seizures so much. 70% chance that they’ll be gone forever! Ugh I can’t even imagine what that’ll be like. I have around 10 seizures every day. If not gone forever maybe 1 a week. Hey that sounds amazing!

Brain surgery for anyone is dangerous, but brain surgery for a girl with no platelets is extra. But they thankfully say it can be done. I will be closely monitored and given my treatment constantly to insure there’s no bleeding. One of the Drs. stayed in our room for about 45 minutes explaining how everything will work. Most of the time I had tears just streaming down my face. I’m so hopeful. But i’m so scared. I’m so scared of the pain i’ll feel, and the complications that could happen. I know, I know, I shouldn’t worry, and don’t one of you tell me that unless you’ve had this done! Thankfully my trust is not in man, but is in God.

We did get to meet the surgeon and of course he was super sweet! He seemed pretty confident in his ability, just a little concerned about the bleeding. He made it sound like a piece of cake to put the laser in there and zap a section of my brain out. Am I concerned i’ll wake up and not know who Rousseaux is? Yes I am. Am I imagining they’ll touch something in my brain that will make me sing like Beyonce? Yes, yes I am. So very many weird and random thoughts happening. I try to just imagine feeling good though.

They called yesterday and said they could schedule it for February 17th, that immediately made me start crying. So soon? I just got home. She understood and said 1st week of March is when it will happen. I’ll be seeing 3 drs before and getting a PET scan done. And then boom i’ll be under for surgery baby!

If I’m up for it I might try and go to Disneyland before, maybe fly up to Seattle to see my Uncle, maybe get a tattoo! I mean I need to do something before I do something this big that’ll put me down for awhile right?! If you have suggestions let me know!

We have absolutely felt so much love and support, and I’m truly just so thankful! The cards, the plants, the food, the clean house (thank you Jenna!). People are always asking what they can do to help and I can never think of anything, but now I have. Things that really help when I’m just unable to do anything are those things. Kind little cards, cute little houseplants,gluten free dinner for Rous and I (trader joes frozen meals are kinda making me sick), and helping with the house! So if you ever want to help when i’m going through a bad phase those are it! Love to you all♥

Oh! One more thing can I just say how amazing it is how many shares and views my Ellen video got? Honestly it’s been keeping me happy thinking that i’ll get to meet her someday. If you want keep sharing my video or even write to her, now that would be just amazing! I wonder if i’ll even know who she is after surgery..a joke! Calm down, my memory will still be there…I hope!

PLEASE SHARE THE VIDEO! 🙂

Wow I’m really craving a donut now, why are there not amazing gluten free donuts?!

Always Yours

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I just had my 24th birthday. It’s funny, birthdays are suppose to be so fun and a celebration but I just have never felt that way. Most people reading this will probably just think I have issues that I need to work through (which sure is true), but I think few will really get this. This year marked the 12th year of being sick. I got sick when I was 12 and have now been doing this for 12 years. Last year, the day after my birthday was the first time I ever had really intensive internal bleeding where it was coming out of both sides of me. It was really scary, but I knew they could stop it.
This past year…has been the hardest one of my life. I’ve never felt so alone, afraid, scared or so sick in my life. I’ve never had so many Drs act like I don’t know what i’m talking about. I’ve never had so many people not able to understand. For most of this year I’ve felt like I was going crazy. I knew something was wrong. I knew I wasn’t just feeling anxiety which is what all these Eugene drs said. I knew something was very wrong. They diagnosed me with an autoimmune heart disease. I felt so sad that I had another disease, but also relieved that something was actually wrong and I wasn’t making it up.
The sad thing is i’m afraid that’s not all that’s wrong. I’m on medication for it, and I feel no different. Always feeling like i’m going to pass out, dizzy, lightheaded…just weird. My seizures have never been so bad, in the 7 years since having them, and i’m on more medication than ever. I do believe something just isn’t quite clicking in the drs minds. something else is wrong. whether i was diagnosed wrong or what.
Yesterday I got off the phone with a surgeon at OHSU. The Mayo Clinic drs found a scar on my brain. They say if they can remove it my seizures will be gone. I’m so willing. When they called me I was in a salon and my dear friend Michelle was going to touch up my hair..how dark it’s become since living in Eugene. My body doesn’t handle this much darkness and rain well. Ha but i’m so eager to get help. Anyways I got off the phone with them and they’re scheduling my first appointment to go up. At that moment I kinda just decided I need a change. So well, i’m in a salon…they’ll be shaving the back of my head soon..why not? i got a change.
For now, I wait for the surgeon appointment, I get more tests done from my neurologist, but mostly I pray for the healing hand of God. I’ve never thought it would be medicine that did it.
This year on my birthday it was so hard. I prayed so much that this would be a year of joy and not sorrow. Of health and not sickness. Of enlightenment and not confusion. I’m not saying it’s not going to be. I ended up driving to the ER on that day and sitting in the parking lot alone crying. Rous was at work and I didn’t want to bother him (not that i would be, i know. It’s a mental thing). I had terrible pain in the back of my head, a lot of bruising and I was so scared i was having bleeding up there. I didn’t want to go in because well, this ER is a complete joke.  i won’t even get into the time i’ve wasted, been ignored and treated like a fool in there. So I didn’t want to go in and deal with that, but I also didn’t want to bleed in my brain. So i sat and cried and prayed. I ended up driving home and just feeling so sad and alone.
I’m writing this post not to say that i’m alone. I’m writing this, well mostly for myself, to get out The fears I have, the hopelessness, the sickness i feel, the doubt, worry, the emptiness… This isn’t IT. This is not my life. There is a reason for it all. Though I doubt God, and my faith is so weak at moments. I KNOW. I KNOW this isn’t it. This is not eternity. There will be a day when every tear will be wiped away. There will be no more pain or suffering. I’m still sad, but I know this isn’t the end.
For the people who have had the faith for me, thank you. I need to hear those words so badly. To hear your faith strengthens me so much. I need to be encouraged. So many people come to me to hear advice and encouragement, but i don’t think people realize how much I really need it. So much love from the bottom of my heart to those people.
I heard this song on my birthday and I can’t get it out of my head. These are the words I feel so deeply.
This is the start, this is your heart
This is the day you were born
This is the sun, these are your lungs
This is the day you were born
And I am always yours
These are the scars deep in your heart
This is the place you were born
This is the hole where most of your soul comes ripping out
From the places you’ve been torn
And it is always yours
But I am always yours
Hallelujah, I’m caving in
Hallelujah, I’m in love again
Hallelujah, I’m a wretched man
Hallelujah, every breath is a second chance
And it is always yours
And I am always yours

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January 28th

Today is my 23rd birthday. Honestly birthdays have been pretty hard for me the last couple years. It’s one more year that I’ve been sick. Every year I just pray that it’s over. The more years that go by and each birthday I have gets harder and harder for me. This year marks the year that I’ve been sick more years than healthy. It’s crazy because I always had that in the back of my mind, that there was more “good” years than bad. This probably sounds pretty sad. Today has just been a hard day on me physically and emotionally. I’m so blessed by such a wonderful, loving husband. It’s just…hard. A girl recently wrote to me telling me how encouraged she was by reading my blogs and it gave me so much hope. To know that what I’ve gone through and am going through can encourage others who are sick gives me a purpose. I’m trying my best to be an example, somedays, like today, are just not the easiest. For my friends and those I don’t even know who are reading this, I pray that you find your hope, not in yourself, not in doctors, not in other people or material things. I truly pray that your hope comes from the Great Physician, Author of life, and the One that is to come.