Being Real Video!!

img_5445New Youtube Video! Please Watch!

After having this video for over a week now, I’m finally going to share! The story of my life has been hard, sad, confusing, questioning, sorrowful, trusting, hopeful, passionate and desperate. I know there is a reason for EVERYTHING in our lives, and I’m so hopeful to be there. Opening up on my first video (link in bio) about my life journey, and already working on the second now! I would LOVE to get to know you, love to answer your questions, love to be there for those suffering! Those who can relate to what to say I SO want to hear it! So much love ❤️❤️

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Suffering

My fingers shake and tears stream down my eyes as I begin to type. It’ll be 3 months and 14 days since my brain surgery. I check it everyday. I don’t even know if I have the words to express what happened or what is still going on.

It was hard on my before surgery. Knowing I was going to go through and have my left skull open, instead of my last laser one (crazy painful/hard). I knew it would be hard. Drs knew it would be the most painful one, but none of us thought of what was about to happen.

I only remember “flashes” from the last 3 months. A main part of that is yes, my short term memory. My hippocampus (which controls short term memory). Waking up in the hospital and in pain you will not understand (almost the majority reading, I feel no need being dramatic). They had shaved my hair, cut open my skull, cut my jaw cord, so they could open my mouth on that side much wider. They took out a good chunk of brain.

I remember trying to say words of pain meds. I couldn’t talk right. When I’d open my eyes there was people walking all on the right, animals jumping, lights squealing by in every different color. I’d look at people and have no clue what that person looked like. I could understand the voices I know, but I couldn’t see them. When I looked at people, half of their face was gone. My brain/eyes lost the ability to see the right side on everything. It filled in the missing vision with all the actions floating in that “black out” side for me.

People would talk, and for months I’d say, “what? I don’t get it”. The ability for my brain to hear multiple words in a row was too hard on me to understand. I need few, and very slow. I “stuttered” often, but it was more so me trying to say a word that should come out of my mouth, but it wouldn’t. My mind couldn’t find them. I had to rewire (still working on it) to find words to be able to say.

I had lost all form of emotions. My brain, my body, my heart couldn’t feel them. I felt like a robot who didn’t know how to take care of what I was doing. I felt nothing. What was touched in my brain is of course the side of emotions. It was incredibly hard to understand how to deal with things being said, or even deal with the fact that I wasn’t all better each week. It was a couple months before I felt an actual “love” feeling. Unless you’ve truly been through this there is no way to describe the ability not to even know what it is. It was impacting me so severely. I didn’t know how to do life. Over and over again, everyday, doing the same things. Not talking right, unable to see, can’t read, have lost the majority of names I’ve known even my whole life (I’m learning names of people back slowly), couldn’t remember what happened after each day (I’ve learned to write down days and events), thought my brain wasn’t done right, I couldn’t talk long, it would completely tire my whole body to the ground.

As I type these I still cry. It’s all extremely hard to deal with, but I’m now working on it all slowly. It was very hard the many people who would send words to me, thinking they understand what will help, bible verses, youtube videos, advice on life, relating things they’ve been through. It was beyond hard on me to take in. I full on know people just do not get this at all. Very few people. There is only one man I talked to about all of these, and actually got it because he’s done the SAME thing! I will write about what people shouldn’t do for those truly suffering. I know they wanted to help. It wrecked me though. I’ve learned from years of intense suffering what not to do to those hurting.

I take a big deep breath as I write this. I need to take one day at a time. My ability to handle things i not like normal. They said it was an incredibly traumatic event that happens. It’s good for me to take everything slow, not push myself, not let people come at me, not think I’m going to be all healed in a week. My amazing neurologist said after this surgery it will be up to a year recovery. So I need to just understand that and go slow in life. I’m trying, it’s just all hard on me. Hard to handle.

There is so much for for me to say of what has happened and what is still going on. I need healing in even the strong surgery that just happened. Not just the pain. When people see me don’t think I’m all “normal Hannah” because I’ve now started wearing makeup, putting on normal clothes and seeing me laugh. Each day is different.

My heart goes to those with long term sicknesses. I cry often over it. It’s not like normal things everyone wants to compare their lives with.

I will tell you this. I couldn’t feel anything in me. I couldn’t feel Jesus with me, I couldn’t feel anything. I couldn’t pray. I couldn’t even think words in my mind, and could barely speak out loud. That was beyond hard in not able to go after my Savior. I know more than anything Jesus was with me. I know more than anything He truly cared and was saddened by what I just went through. Once I was able to start “feeling” Christ, praying word at a time to Him tears of “feeling” God. I don’t know how to explain it or truly have you understand it unless you’ve ever had a brain surgery this intense. I told my speech therapist at one time that Jesus has been with me more than anyone my whole life, especially coming from the 12 year old girl who got sick. If I had not none Jesus Christ, and felt is actual presence with me during all these sorrowful years of sickness and intense hospital seasons. I don’t know where I’d be.

Jesus has me here now. There is/must be a reason. Faith as small as a mustard seed will move mountains. I’m hoping for strong faith in Jesus.

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My whole left side, especially my head was swollen for over a month. I have no memory of this picture or it being light in that room at all. Thank goodness for the care in Phoenix♥

Letting you know, I can’t use all words right still. I sound “weird” sometimes. My brain is still working to sound right and understand what comes out of my mouth ❤️

Hope in the Midst of Suffering 

As we are flying above the clouds right now, on our way to the Mayo Clinic. My mind is racing with so many thoughts. I feel like I’ve never felt this confused in my life. I don’t have a “normal” life. I have one full of so many bizarre, scary moments. In tears thinking of what just happened.
Two days ago I had a massive Grand Mal. I had driven up to my parents alone and it happened there. It feels like a dream I had. I just remember waking up on a different couch with 3 fireman over me asking me who the president was. My parents said it took 30 minutes after my seizure for me to actually come to and communicate. It took hours upon hours for my body to recover. I kept asking questions over again because none of it seemed real and I couldn’t remember anything that happened.
The night before I had gone to hear Nick Vujicic speak with Rousseaux and my dear friend Aaron. Hearing him speak, I feel like woke up my crying soul. I never thought I’d be sick for this long, just never. I thought my life was “normal” once I got pregnant and my seizures went away, ignoring the fact I still had blood disease and heart disease. Nick made me feel like I actually have a purpose in life. That yes, I may be sick, I may get more sick, but I. HAVE. A. PURPOSE.
He’s a man with no arms or legs and is changing and impacting the lives of millions. His humor made me appreciate him even more! To be able to joke about the hardest parts in your life while encouraging other people with hardships was beyond inspiring to me. He’s able to use his disabilities to to touch hearts and minds in ways no one ever could.
I cried the whole time he was speaking. Thank you Nick, for being such a light in this world. You are an amazing example to me!
It was hours after my grand mal and the ambulance had taken me to the ER that I’m laying in bed, barely able to speak. I couldn’t even walk because of everything my body went through during the seizure. I had to have two people for the rest of the night lift me up on to the toilet. I had so many people coming in and staring, so many people trying to talk to me and me just not able to because of what my brain had physically just gone through. And as I laid in the hospital bed in between sobbing and in between asking my parents what had happened over and over again, I thought of Nick.
I’m crying even thinking about it. Yes I was in pain. Yes I was so confused (still am so confused). Yes I was physically hurting. But the words “my physical ailment truly does have a purpose”, was in the back of my head. What I’m going through now, could bring healing and light to others souls. I could be there for others who no one would be able to understand. Maybe someday I’ll get up on stage and talk about all these bizarre things I’m going through, along with my twisted humor, just to be able to make someone feel the way he made me feel.
It’s been 3 years since my last grand mal. They don’t know what caused this one. No change in any medicine, no change anywhere. Why did I have one this big after my major surgery? So many questions in my life I’ll probably never know, but I have to trust that the Good Lord has a plan. I have to or there’s no point in this life.
Tomorrow I begin all of my testing for my brain. I’ll be strapped to a hospital bed with so many wires connected to my head. Please pray for my patience, answers, wisdom and understanding for Drs., patience and love for Rous and I (we’ll be in a room for over 5 days 😂), and for my fear of the future to be gone. Yes, a much bigger brain surgery is in the works. I’m scared of what could happen after that one, scared it won’t heal my seizures, scared I’ll have worse memory loss, afraid I’ll become more blind, worse at the ability to think of words when I’m verbally communicating and so much more. But I can’t let that consume my being. Everything is planned and ordained by the Lord. There is a purpose for it all.
I feel my small heavy heart starting to have a little bit of hope.
Thank you to all the people that were there for me for this big bizarre seizure. My sweet ambulance girl (who said she followed me on Instagram?! Say hi!!!!), the cutest sweetest nurse in ER, oh my goodness she was such and amazing human! Dr Suarez, for truly being there, truly caring, calling Rous to try and help find him (he was camping out in the middle of nowhere :/) and he prayed over me, what an amazing man. My parents said my brother prayed over me at home after my seizure and was so loving to me which means the world to me! My sweet Father in law Réal and Mom Cheri for driving all over the mountains to find Rous and showing me so much love and care, my dear sweet Mikaela who lives right next door to me, having a friend who truly cares and gets me means the absolute world to me. Of course my sweet Rous for being found and coming to the hospital late into the night. And most of all my Mom and Dad. They were there with me through this all. So beyond loving and caring. I couldn’t talk or really move but they helped with everything. Always comforting me with their loving touches, figuring everything out with Drs and nurses. Thank you for being there, I don’t know what I’d do without you two!
And thank you SO much to those who have given to help me along with journey! I’m hoping to get all my cards written out, but if not just know I love and appreciate you so much. You’re helping me be able to live a better life ❤️