Weep With Those Who Weep

So many times I just feel done with writing. I have so much on my mind and heart over all this. I feel like I don’t even know how to express all I’ve been through and so much I’ve learned from it.

There’s such a need for those suffering to truly have people understand how to be there for them.

You will go through suffering in your life. Not worth comparing it to me or anyone else popping up in your mind. You will have it though. That is life.

Life is not a perfect place. A life of joy, amazing health, sinless, all relationships 100% great 24/7..

It’s just not.

It’s real. It’s in the Bible. It’s full of so much.

My mind, heart, body has been through so much, and this year has just hit my extreme feelings of aloneness because of how much people think I SHOULD NEVER BE SAD… I could be worse… you know worse…. you’ve been through pain too… I need to be happy… have I been praying at all?…

Even writing out reminds me of how the majority (because there are some in my life who understand suffering- or long term sickness) of people just don’t get it.

I’m currently on a plane flying back from Arkansas (heyyy y’all!), reading my Bible, desperate to continue growing closer to God, understanding the word and feeding my soul.

There are verses right there-

WEEP WHEN THOSE WEEP -Romans 12:15

Whoever sings songs to a heavy heart is like one who takes off a garment on a cold day. Proverbs 25:20

Ok.. reread those. Seriously, right this moment reread them. It’s only two small ones.

Are you taking it in? Are you thinking, “oh dear she should be happy?”

Having gone through the hardest part of my life (still going through it folks, just because I look “normal”), I have really drawn myself in from the so many I know.

Over and over again I’ll get bible verses sent to me, songs sent to me, “advice” of why I should be happy. How alone do you think I feel. There have been times where I’m laying in a hospital bed crying with so much happening with my body and relieving a text of “love” of why I should be thankful and “happy”.

Breaks my heart the memories in my mind still. I feel no anger towards people just sadness. I know the 100s that have sent me these kind of things will do it until they go threw sorrow, somehow their eyes are open… or they just don’t I’ve heard.

To having a miscarriage when I thought I was done with seizures, my heart disease and my platelets were good, but spoken to of why I should be happy… that I had a miscarriage is mind blowing. Happy that the baby wasn’t older before dying? Still asked constantly when I’m going to try again… starting a couple months after my last brain surgery people have been asking and haven’t stopped. STOP asking people when they’re getting pregnant. You have no clue what’s going on with them. A day after my miscarriage someone had asked me when I was going to get pregnant. Wow, how sad I still am by that. But it’s something we must learn. I had not learned this, read things like this until after my miscarriage and my inability to be pregnant because of my health. Heartbreaking. Yet I want people who haven’t been through this to learn it now or very soon.

When I was sitting in a coffee shop the other day a group of women are there. One of them starts telling a story about her husband sitting next to a guy having a grand mal… she starts cracking up and all the girls do. Over a human having a grand mal. I’m sitting there so so saddened and overwhelmed with aloneness. Imagine watching someone you know and love sitting there having a grand mal. You would be so sad. You would be so worried. Me waking up from all my grand mals and not understanding what happened and the messed up pain in my brain and body after is something you can’t imagine. To be quick to hear others laughing about so so much sickness, sickness that makes you feel sad. Makes you have such a heavy weight of sorrow… is hard.

It needs to be learned and understood by those who aren’t going through pain and sorrow right now. But don’t you want to be able to truly be there for those you know who are sad and full of so much? TRULY there for them. Not there thinking you can cure. But there to help them be alive.

I can’t imagine what kind of person I’d be if I have not been through this. I can’t. I would not be the same person I am. I would not know how to be there for people. I would probably compare things, I would probably expect them to just be happy already, I would expect them to think how cool of a person I am for doing “something”.

When you’re there to just be there and care… wow. The difference it makes.

I’ve had people I thought I trusted over the years ask how I’m going and if open up, I’d cry… and I wouldn’t hear a word back, I would hear a joke made, I would hear comparison made, I would hear a “solution” made. Slowly and slowly over so many years of this I’ve lost trust. I have such few people in my life that I know would care for me. Truly care if I’m bleeding internally, truly care if I’m in the er time after time, truly care when another thing happened with my health. Truly care even when I’m out of the hospital…

Are you thinking of anyone in your life who needs this? We need it. We long for it. It needs to be learned. All of Job is about it. It’s not made up. It’s not the nowadays thing of… happy, happy, happy!

Weep with those who weep.

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Being Real Video!!

img_5445New Youtube Video! Please Watch!

After having this video for over a week now, I’m finally going to share! The story of my life has been hard, sad, confusing, questioning, sorrowful, trusting, hopeful, passionate and desperate. I know there is a reason for EVERYTHING in our lives, and I’m so hopeful to be there. Opening up on my first video (link in bio) about my life journey, and already working on the second now! I would LOVE to get to know you, love to answer your questions, love to be there for those suffering! Those who can relate to what to say I SO want to hear it! So much love ❤️❤️

5 Month Check Up

There is no way I could put into words everything I’ve been through over these months. This surgery was nothing like my Drs thought was going to happen. I still wake up everyday now with all of this rushing through my mind, thinking “did this really just happen?”.

Every single brain surgery is different for people. Not all the same. When my amazing surgeon ended up taking out a lot more than expected, it made this recovery (that’s still happening no matter how much “better” I look) way harder than they thought.

I of course was going to start this by saying “I don’t remember everything I wrote in my last blog”. But I of course know what a lot of you will do bringing up your memory. I guess what I’ll bring up is to help others going through times of suffering. When you ask your friend, family member, church friend, high school person or just a girl you follow on a blog, listen, do not in an instant bring up what you went through, are going through, your grandma went through, you have a friend who could understand, or you know someone on a blog. Listen. Take it in. Do not start quoting bible verses or saying it’s all going to be “better”. Listen. Care for this human.

The things I’ve been going through for 15 years now has taught me a lot. I want to be there for others. Not in ways that cause hurt or stress to those suffering, but be there with care and love. Even as I type this I have 4 people in my mind who had wrote on my last blog that it sucks what I’ve been through and they love me. I look at that and just go “ugh, thank you!”.

Even after this last surgery that had enabled my brain not to work right. Could not talk right (still dealing with that but WAY better), could not see right at all (steal dealing with that and just saw a terrible eye dr about it, ugh pray), has ZERO emotions (it’s in the spot on my brain where all emotions come from), when people would talk they’d have to go slow or reexplain because I couldn’t understand for months, the left side of my jaw was cut before surgery so he would have room and I’m still feeling that heal up everyday when sowed back together. Rous rubbed my head yesterday and touched over on my left side and bam, nice pain feel over there. It still hurts all on my big area. Because I’m still unable to handle things said to me because it was a big traumatic experience my drs explained to me, I’m unable to handle even people saying things to me. I’ve been handling things said to me about health for all these years now so just understand, no I can’t handle this and it’s been 15 years now. Let it be.

I’ve had people bring up their animals having grand mals ( if you ever watch a human or me have them I don’t think you’d say that, people having cancer, people dying, people having brain surgery (every single one is different), people telling me I’m all healed ( mmmmm wait go to a drs app with me then), and people saying “at least I look good”. Oh wow even bringing up that last one makes me breath heavy.

When others are going through hard things, listen and truly care. Otherwise don’t say anything.

I needed to talk to someone so bad months ago. Because I didn’t understand how to keep doing this, how to keep going through my recovery. I told my Dad (who I’m obsessed with) that I need to talk to someone. Someone who has been dealing with sickness longer than me. If it’s been shorter than 15 years I’m not going to talk. If there younger than 40 I’m not going to talk as well. That’s a whole other topic :). I got to talk to sweet Peter John. He gets me. He fully understands what I just went through and have for years. To have meningitis, brain surgery and other intense diseases for 20 years makes me be able to breath and feel comfortable what he would say to me. He gets it. Beyond grateful for that encourager and example of going through sicknesses daily.

What I’m saying is those are the people I would want to talk about their sickness.

I hope this truly makes sense for others. I hope those truly suffering read this because I know how strongly their weak heart (mine) need it.

In Arizona now receiving my first check ups in 5 months. Heavy on me. Much needed though. All testing yesterday was very heavy and hard for me. Makes me want to cry now. Today I get to see my amazing neurologist who I adore and am happy for that. She will help me, calm me and explain what I just went through and how to keep dealing or future things like this. All appointments till Friday. At least I get SO much sun!

Thank you for the 100s of prayers that I know have been going. Thank you for the support I have felt in many different ways.

Again I’ll say to those hurting, I feel you. I get it. Just one day at a time. ❤️

That part of my eye has been blacked out for far too long. Hoping for healing of that! I’m literally completely blacked out there. If you hold your hand there or stand there it’s gone.

Mornin’ Smoothie

Hello dear friends,

I hope all is well in your homes and hearts, I’m happy to say it is over here! I had to share with you all my smoothie I make every morning. This past year has been such an eye opening one of how important it is to eat healthy, and I’m such a strong encourager to others to join in, especially those battling a sickness of any kind. It can truly change how you feel and think if you just feed your body real and true nutrients!

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So what are the benefits of all these yummy foods?

Read More

Real Talk

Most of you who have been following on here have noticed a change. It isn’t just about my health, in fact most of it isn’t even talking about my health struggles. I’d love to keep you updated and let you know what’s really going on, please watch this video I made 🙂

 

 

So since I have been working with brands that’s why you’ll see so many pictures on here. I’ve been reaching out to many, and have been contacted by lots. Hoping to make a small income off of working with them. Pass the word around if you feel up to it!

This cozy sweater is from Closet Revival! Loved going to the beach and enjoying it’s warmth 🙂

 

 

Get 20% off with code: shophannah Go check out Closet Revival!

The link to my fundraising page is here ♥♥

And please share!

 

Seizure Free!

The sad thing is I feel like most of my posts are full of bad news. Bad health updates, how depressed I am, just how hard life is (if not I have severe memory loss haha).

This one, however, will not be like that. The 10th of this month was my 3 month anniversary of being seizure free. Just writing that makes me cry. I truly had no idea what a life was like without so many seizures a day. And the crazy thing is when they were testing me, even when I wasn’t feeling my seizures, there was still soooooo much seizure activity going on. So I always felt so sick for a good reason, so much activity going on there!

Well, Rous and I got back from our trip to the mayo a couple days ago. I’ve had so many people asking how it went, and I’m so bad at explaining things using my mouth now. Part of my brain that they burned off was the ability to think of words, thankfully I’m on a computer now and can take my sweet time, but when I talk to people it is such a struggle for me. So here is the little update….

Every MRI, ct scan, EEG (that’s basically all brain testing) that they did on me, came back completely seizure free. Zero seizure activity! My Drs. were even impressed by that. They thought I’d still be having at least one a week, but nope none. My sweet Neurologist says in about 3 months she will start weening me off my high dose of meds. At first I was a little bummed that it wouldn’t be right away, but I think I can wait 3 more months. She just wants to be extra careful with me and I’m so beyond grateful for the care i’ve received from her. They want me to see a speech therapist so I’ll hopefully be able to relearn how to communicate.

The hard thing is my blindness is still strongly there. Hasn’t exactly improved. Both eyes are now 25 percent blind. I’m slowly getting used to it, but still hoping that it comes back. My short term memory is significantly worse. They told me it would be, but wow they really burned off almost all of it. I feel so bad because I can’t remember anyone. Who they are, what their name is, memories of us. It’s crazy. The funny thing is I have had so many people say, “Hey my memory is just as bad and I didn’t have surgery.” I’m laughing now just writing this because no, no it’s not. Ha people don’t know what it’s like to have that burned off. I know so many people say things like that to try and relate, but it’s just hard to hear so much. I almost didn’t write this, but I thankfully can’t remember anyone who said it, I just know it’s been said to me so much. So I guess that’s a plus with memory loss :)Tee hee. And don’t be upset if you did say it!

This trip to the Mayo was seriously such a huge blessing to both Rous and myself. It was honestly just full of joy and real blessing from the Lord. I got to see a very dear friend, her name is Hope. Of course it is 🙂 I met her last time I was there and we got to talk about brain problems. That woman has suffered so much. She has had soooo many surgeries on her brain. And she even has my heart disease, POTS. I just am so blessed to know someone who truly understands what it likes to suffer in my way. People who have hard health issues definitely get this! This is Hope, and I’m asking you right now to just lift this amazing woman up in prayer. Pray for strength, peace, joy and healing. Prayer is so powerful! ♥IMG_5418

One of the days Rousseaux and I went into Starbucks and sat down at a table. I of course wanted to be in the sun so I had us move to a long table. There was a man sitting at the far end of it working on his laptop. We were there a couple minutes and the man says to me that I should get out of the sun. I told him how much I love being in the sun. A few minutes later we start opening up to each other…Why we were in Arizona, what I just went through. He turns his computer to us and what do you know he was in the process of studying? Focal seizures! My ex seizures! We were all so blown away by it. He is on his last steps of becoming a neurologist! We moved down by him and just started talking about life. It was his birthday, and he’s so far away from his family. He felt so blessed by us. And we thought it was so special to meet him. One of the sweetest most genuine, Jesus loving men we’ve met. We knew that was the Lord. We had breakfast with him the next morning and he drove us around showing us neat things there.His name is Giorgio. Which was even funnier to us because Rousseaux and I have a nickname for each other called Georgieaux, pronounced the same.

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The rest of the trip was talks of the future. What will life be like now without this? Do I have my blood disease? Yes. But I have had no serious bleeding in months! Do I have my heart disease? Yes. But I’m slowly trying to get used to it by ignoring and not fearing the symptoms that I get. We want to travel. I want to go to Australia! I first knew I was in love with Rous when he was living there and I was here, it’s so special to us. I have my first job that I love so much. I wanted to stop after my first day because I had never done so much or anything like that. My amazing boss said that I could, I could go home and get back on the couch all day. Or I could step out and try this. Wow, that blew my mind and encouraged me to keep going, and i’m so thankful that I have.

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Here is my beautiful Neurologist!

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A little post I did after seeing my surgeon:

Today I got to see my amazing surgeon, of course I started crying when I saw him. The Lord used him to totally take away my seizures! He said he was so so happy for me, and how sad he was of how sick and depressed I got after surgery. He kept reiterating how excited he was for my recovery and how different my life is going to be, starting at 25 being new. And how thankful he is to be able to do what he does to help me. Thank you sweet Dr. Zimmerman

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It’s been on my heart for awhile now, and just recently I really felt called to write a little book about my struggles, battles, hardships, and joy that I’m able to have through it all. Since going through such hard things since a young age, my prayer has always been that the Lord will use me to be a light and example to others who are battling such hardships. Now that I’m starting a new season of my life I feel it is time to start on this book. The crazy thing is I was at work, and my old Pastor Peter-John came in. I was just thinking about contacting him the day before because he wrote a book, and his testimony of what he’s been through touched me so much. I told him that I was thinking about it and he said he didn’t think he was suppose to be in the store to buy something, but to tell me that I absolutely am suppose to write a book! So well, that’s confirmation for me alright! If you have any wisdom, knowledge advice please please contact me.

My friend Amy, has started a fundraiser for me. As most of you know brain surgery, drs appointments, massive amounts of testing and traveling back and forth can be expensive. If you feel led to give even a tiny bit it would bless us so much. We fully know the Lord will provide and that thankfully gives us peace. Click here for the link 🙂

As most of you know I’ve wanted to meet Ellen and give her a hug. Thanking her for all the laughter she’s brought me through so many days of sorrow. I have not heard from her yet, but we made another video to hopefully get in contact with her…

Here is our new video, I can now sing from surgery!!

Hosanna

I’ll start off with a huge thank you to everyone who has been supporting us, and I mean all the food, love, finances, hugs, words, encouragement and mostly prayer to my Savior.

Has I’m writing this, and thinking about how this past month has been I’m already crying. Saying it’s been hard doesn’t seem to fit. It broke me in every way imaginable. My heart is happy to say that things are getting so much better. It’s still “hard”, but way beyond better then even a week ago.

Rous, thankfully got to explain everything with the surgery, and it was beautiful and true. Besides all the pain, that is really gone away for the most part, so so much was and is there that they didn’t even mention. I’m blind in both eyes on the upper left part, which is so hard to get used to. One Dr. said it will always be there, another said it should go away with swelling, but they also said my swelling should already be gone. I’m really hoping that it goes away.

The part of my brain that is swollen effects when you get angry and anxiety. And I’m just so sad to say that those have been severely effected. More so the anxiety. And I’m sure that’s just mixing with my heart disease, but wow, it has been so bad. I just never struggled with it and now it’s all over the place. My heart just feels so broken over everything. It used to be that I had experienced more life without sickness and now it’s changed, since my birthday, to more sickness then a healthy  life. To me that is just beyond crazy!

A couple hours ago I had to get out of the house and clear my mind. So I went for a long long drive in the country with praise music on. Just absolutely sobbing from everything that’s happened since the surgery and everything that’s been happening for these 13 years. My heart just feels so sad about it all. I had worship music on and I just turned it up and asked the Lord to give me a song that I need to really understand right now and to speak to me through it, and Hosanna came on. Hosanna means; an expression of adoration, praise, or joy. Over and over again I was singing (and crying), Hosanna.

Heal my heart and make it clean
Open up my eyes to the things unseen
Show me how to love like you have loved me

Break my heart for what breaks yours
Everything I am for Your kingdom’s cause
As I walk from earth into eternity

This spoke to me in more ways then I could say.

When I was on the drive I got a text from my brother, Bleu, but didn’t want to read it (AND YOU GUYS SHOULDN’T TEXT AND DRIVE, SO DANGEROUS). When I got home I opened it up and this is what it said, “Here’s a fun fact for you: did you know that when your parents conceived you,  that there were 100 million other members all floating around, and you, yes you were chosen by God of all those other 100 million other children to have life? Pretty amazing! Huh? And if you go back and times that by just our grandparent and great grandparents, then that’s 6 different couples so that’s 600 million! And just the chances of them meeting when they did and having kids…That’s a miracle. You were put here, specially designed and given life for a special reason and purpose. Truly He can say you are fearfully and wonderfully made.” Whoa. I don’t know if i had ever felt the Lord speaking to me so much. I needed to hear that more then I could ever explain! There really is a reason for me in this life.

The one thing I’ve been doing to help my anxiety (when i’m up for it) is gardening! It has become my favorite thing to do. I absolutely adore making the outside of our house look beautiful. If anyone has any tips or any plants they’re giving away let me know ♥

I thankfully can say that I have not had one seizure since surgery. They said it would probably take months to years to be like this, and I would still at least have one once a week so I am pretty blown away by this. I was having 5-20 a day! Now once my brain isn’t swollen and I’m not having this anxiety/depression/anger I’ll be able to enjoy it like a normal person would! Hey, I might never be normal, and it’s ok to be different. My greatest desire in this life is to be a light in this world. I truly pray through everything I’ve gone through and am going through that I can. Lord bless you all who have been so supportive and loving to me, truly thank you. ♥

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