So many times I just feel done with writing. I have so much on my mind and heart over all this. I feel like I don’t even know how to express all I’ve been through and so much I’ve learned from it.
There’s such a need for those suffering to truly have people understand how to be there for them.
You will go through suffering in your life. Not worth comparing it to me or anyone else popping up in your mind. You will have it though. That is life.
Life is not a perfect place. A life of joy, amazing health, sinless, all relationships 100% great 24/7..
It’s just not.
It’s real. It’s in the Bible. It’s full of so much.
My mind, heart, body has been through so much, and this year has just hit my extreme feelings of aloneness because of how much people think I SHOULD NEVER BE SAD… I could be worse… you know worse…. you’ve been through pain too… I need to be happy… have I been praying at all?…
Even writing out reminds me of how the majority (because there are some in my life who understand suffering- or long term sickness) of people just don’t get it.
I’m currently on a plane flying back from Arkansas (heyyy y’all!), reading my Bible, desperate to continue growing closer to God, understanding the word and feeding my soul.
There are verses right there-
WEEP WHEN THOSE WEEP -Romans 12:15
Whoever sings songs to a heavy heart is like one who takes off a garment on a cold day. Proverbs 25:20
Ok.. reread those. Seriously, right this moment reread them. It’s only two small ones.
Are you taking it in? Are you thinking, “oh dear she should be happy?”
Having gone through the hardest part of my life (still going through it folks, just because I look “normal”), I have really drawn myself in from the so many I know.
Over and over again I’ll get bible verses sent to me, songs sent to me, “advice” of why I should be happy. How alone do you think I feel. There have been times where I’m laying in a hospital bed crying with so much happening with my body and relieving a text of “love” of why I should be thankful and “happy”.
Breaks my heart the memories in my mind still. I feel no anger towards people just sadness. I know the 100s that have sent me these kind of things will do it until they go threw sorrow, somehow their eyes are open… or they just don’t I’ve heard.
To having a miscarriage when I thought I was done with seizures, my heart disease and my platelets were good, but spoken to of why I should be happy… that I had a miscarriage is mind blowing. Happy that the baby wasn’t older before dying? Still asked constantly when I’m going to try again… starting a couple months after my last brain surgery people have been asking and haven’t stopped. STOP asking people when they’re getting pregnant. You have no clue what’s going on with them. A day after my miscarriage someone had asked me when I was going to get pregnant. Wow, how sad I still am by that. But it’s something we must learn. I had not learned this, read things like this until after my miscarriage and my inability to be pregnant because of my health. Heartbreaking. Yet I want people who haven’t been through this to learn it now or very soon.
When I was sitting in a coffee shop the other day a group of women are there. One of them starts telling a story about her husband sitting next to a guy having a grand mal… she starts cracking up and all the girls do. Over a human having a grand mal. I’m sitting there so so saddened and overwhelmed with aloneness. Imagine watching someone you know and love sitting there having a grand mal. You would be so sad. You would be so worried. Me waking up from all my grand mals and not understanding what happened and the messed up pain in my brain and body after is something you can’t imagine. To be quick to hear others laughing about so so much sickness, sickness that makes you feel sad. Makes you have such a heavy weight of sorrow… is hard.
It needs to be learned and understood by those who aren’t going through pain and sorrow right now. But don’t you want to be able to truly be there for those you know who are sad and full of so much? TRULY there for them. Not there thinking you can cure. But there to help them be alive.
I can’t imagine what kind of person I’d be if I have not been through this. I can’t. I would not be the same person I am. I would not know how to be there for people. I would probably compare things, I would probably expect them to just be happy already, I would expect them to think how cool of a person I am for doing “something”.
When you’re there to just be there and care… wow. The difference it makes.
I’ve had people I thought I trusted over the years ask how I’m going and if open up, I’d cry… and I wouldn’t hear a word back, I would hear a joke made, I would hear comparison made, I would hear a “solution” made. Slowly and slowly over so many years of this I’ve lost trust. I have such few people in my life that I know would care for me. Truly care if I’m bleeding internally, truly care if I’m in the er time after time, truly care when another thing happened with my health. Truly care even when I’m out of the hospital…
Are you thinking of anyone in your life who needs this? We need it. We long for it. It needs to be learned. All of Job is about it. It’s not made up. It’s not the nowadays thing of… happy, happy, happy!
Weep with those who weep.