Weep With Those Who Weep

So many times I just feel done with writing. I have so much on my mind and heart over all this. I feel like I don’t even know how to express all I’ve been through and so much I’ve learned from it.

There’s such a need for those suffering to truly have people understand how to be there for them.

You will go through suffering in your life. Not worth comparing it to me or anyone else popping up in your mind. You will have it though. That is life.

Life is not a perfect place. A life of joy, amazing health, sinless, all relationships 100% great 24/7..

It’s just not.

It’s real. It’s in the Bible. It’s full of so much.

My mind, heart, body has been through so much, and this year has just hit my extreme feelings of aloneness because of how much people think I SHOULD NEVER BE SAD… I could be worse… you know worse…. you’ve been through pain too… I need to be happy… have I been praying at all?…

Even writing out reminds me of how the majority (because there are some in my life who understand suffering- or long term sickness) of people just don’t get it.

I’m currently on a plane flying back from Arkansas (heyyy y’all!), reading my Bible, desperate to continue growing closer to God, understanding the word and feeding my soul.

There are verses right there-

WEEP WHEN THOSE WEEP -Romans 12:15

Whoever sings songs to a heavy heart is like one who takes off a garment on a cold day. Proverbs 25:20

Ok.. reread those. Seriously, right this moment reread them. It’s only two small ones.

Are you taking it in? Are you thinking, “oh dear she should be happy?”

Having gone through the hardest part of my life (still going through it folks, just because I look “normal”), I have really drawn myself in from the so many I know.

Over and over again I’ll get bible verses sent to me, songs sent to me, “advice” of why I should be happy. How alone do you think I feel. There have been times where I’m laying in a hospital bed crying with so much happening with my body and relieving a text of “love” of why I should be thankful and “happy”.

Breaks my heart the memories in my mind still. I feel no anger towards people just sadness. I know the 100s that have sent me these kind of things will do it until they go threw sorrow, somehow their eyes are open… or they just don’t I’ve heard.

To having a miscarriage when I thought I was done with seizures, my heart disease and my platelets were good, but spoken to of why I should be happy… that I had a miscarriage is mind blowing. Happy that the baby wasn’t older before dying? Still asked constantly when I’m going to try again… starting a couple months after my last brain surgery people have been asking and haven’t stopped. STOP asking people when they’re getting pregnant. You have no clue what’s going on with them. A day after my miscarriage someone had asked me when I was going to get pregnant. Wow, how sad I still am by that. But it’s something we must learn. I had not learned this, read things like this until after my miscarriage and my inability to be pregnant because of my health. Heartbreaking. Yet I want people who haven’t been through this to learn it now or very soon.

When I was sitting in a coffee shop the other day a group of women are there. One of them starts telling a story about her husband sitting next to a guy having a grand mal… she starts cracking up and all the girls do. Over a human having a grand mal. I’m sitting there so so saddened and overwhelmed with aloneness. Imagine watching someone you know and love sitting there having a grand mal. You would be so sad. You would be so worried. Me waking up from all my grand mals and not understanding what happened and the messed up pain in my brain and body after is something you can’t imagine. To be quick to hear others laughing about so so much sickness, sickness that makes you feel sad. Makes you have such a heavy weight of sorrow… is hard.

It needs to be learned and understood by those who aren’t going through pain and sorrow right now. But don’t you want to be able to truly be there for those you know who are sad and full of so much? TRULY there for them. Not there thinking you can cure. But there to help them be alive.

I can’t imagine what kind of person I’d be if I have not been through this. I can’t. I would not be the same person I am. I would not know how to be there for people. I would probably compare things, I would probably expect them to just be happy already, I would expect them to think how cool of a person I am for doing “something”.

When you’re there to just be there and care… wow. The difference it makes.

I’ve had people I thought I trusted over the years ask how I’m going and if open up, I’d cry… and I wouldn’t hear a word back, I would hear a joke made, I would hear comparison made, I would hear a “solution” made. Slowly and slowly over so many years of this I’ve lost trust. I have such few people in my life that I know would care for me. Truly care if I’m bleeding internally, truly care if I’m in the er time after time, truly care when another thing happened with my health. Truly care even when I’m out of the hospital…

Are you thinking of anyone in your life who needs this? We need it. We long for it. It needs to be learned. All of Job is about it. It’s not made up. It’s not the nowadays thing of… happy, happy, happy!

Weep with those who weep.

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Hurt and Sorrow

As I woke up this morning it was on my heart, that yes, I do need to be here for others going through suffering, going through hard times of life, going through hardness. Since my surgery happened almost 11 months ago, and I feel in no where near my old self, and not all recovered yet. I have felt so afraid by so many things, so afraid of people. I have been treated in a lot of really sad and messed up ways. Pre surgery I was able to handle being uncared for as a sick person, I could handle being gossiped about, I could handle being uncared for. I could even handle constantly compare themselves to me when they as how I’m doing.

Since this last major brain surgery, I am unable to handle those things. It was a severe traumatic experience. Everything that I just wrote about people have still been treating me in this way, Even when I could barely walk, could barely talk, was blind in both eyes (now just a quarter of both eyes), had a brain swollen for so many months, and I couldn’t do anything right. Yet, I was treated in those same ways. It’s mind blowing for me. People would look to themselves about what they wanted from me, when I physically and mentally couldn’t do anything. Could you imagine the pain and fear that caused me?

When people have opened up from me over the years about their health, from ALL over the world (crazy). I don’t just bring up my pain, I truly care for them and can only imagine what it’s like for them to have to go through that situation. I know what it’s like for them to tell me they feel alone…which is the majority of people I know or random people from social media opening up to me. People that know them aren’t even there for them. They feel so uncared for and unloved. They feel so judged.

To say that I haven’t judged anyone would be highly wrong. I know I have over the years. I know how a lot of it has had to do with me being a sick person and seeing things differently, so quick of me to judge, quick of me to want people to be “right”. Still growing in that, and I think we all will for the rest of our lives.

The extreme judgement after this crazy experience has been so hard on me. So quick to judge that I’m already healed, quick to judge that Rous and I are already thinking of having kids, quick to judge that I’m a b word with relationships, when people don’t even know the relationships. It’s been so hurtful to me and so heavy. So ready to stop this blog, ready to stop my work on Instagram. Ready to stop everything and hide so I’m not judged in the way I’m seen.

Talked to my Mom last night because I was about to have moment of reaching my threshold that really makes me a different person. She had said that even if I wasn’t as open as I am, to be there to those who suffer and to be there for those who want to learn. I would still be judged. Even if I didn’t own a phone and computer I would still be judged. The teaching we listened to today had me crying the whole time. The Lord has given us ALL a purpose and He has specific things for us. Since feeling so judged and hurt I’ve wanted to throw away every social media. But I know, I know that I have a clear purpose for these 16 years of suffering. I’ve learned SO much of how to be there for those suffering and I want so deeply for others to be there for those going through crazy hard times. I can’t just give it all up because I feel hurt and uncared for and judged. No, I just have to turn my cheek and pray to God. Give each post to the glory of God, and hopes that other humans understand how not to be there to others in the midst of suffering.

One of the things that I wish I would’ve felt encouraged by was the business I have on Instagram. I’m able to work with so many brands, meet so many people, and be able to work with areas I’m good at. Photography, editing and social media. I have felt like people thing I’m just a girl so into myself. Which I get where you could go with that. But no, I make money. While I”m at home laying flat literally, the majority of all my days. If as a christian you think I shouldn’t be posting photos of myself to make money while working at home, what do you think? Do you understand how that could hurt coming to someone who’s ill? I have a passion for editing and creating content for business, it’s SO healthy for me to be able to work in a way that I”m good at and love. If you think I’m super into myself and want to feel pretty…ha, you don’t know me. I’ve talked very specifically to the people I respect about this subject. I’ve met and reached to so many people, a lot who aren’t even saved. Who see me on social media as somebody different, but they relate because they have a job with companies like I do. Hopefully this will be my last time even talking about this. If you think I’m all healed and better because I post photos of myself, nope. I do it when able for brands to pay me, and then work on editing when I’m unable to go walk around.

I know many others who “look” normal, and are talked like they are fine and healthy because they look fine. No, we’re not. Just because we look fine, in no way means we feel good and are healthy people. I feel for every single one who’s talked to me about this or who’s reading this and gets it. If you saw me at home when I feel so sick, maybe you would stop assuming and judging. For all the sick people I speak this.

For the extreme few people who I have felt so cared for and loved during this traumatic affection of my life, wow I thank you more than could ever be expressed. To my neurologist who has to email me back constantly saying, I’m STILL recovering from this brain surgery, I thank you. Making me feel like one day I’ll be better, one day it all won’t be this hard. But, that’s up to the Lord. Whether I’m sick on this earth, God’s the one with a purpose or whether I’m healed and feel what life is really like not sick one day, then I would so highly praise God and give it all to Him.  ♥

 

 

 

 

I love taking photos of the ocean. IMG_4845.jpg

Being Real Video!!

img_5445New Youtube Video! Please Watch!

After having this video for over a week now, I’m finally going to share! The story of my life has been hard, sad, confusing, questioning, sorrowful, trusting, hopeful, passionate and desperate. I know there is a reason for EVERYTHING in our lives, and I’m so hopeful to be there. Opening up on my first video (link in bio) about my life journey, and already working on the second now! I would LOVE to get to know you, love to answer your questions, love to be there for those suffering! Those who can relate to what to say I SO want to hear it! So much love ❤️❤️

Happy Father’s Day

I’ve been meaning to write one like this for/about my Dad.

I don’t really know how to put into words how truly thankful and blessed I am by this man. He’s my strongest rock. Safest help. My greatest encourage that, “it’s ok”. The person I’ll open up to about things that I do not say. He listens, he cares, he helps me.

There are so many ways for me to talk about him, and I don’t think I can even find the words to.

Going back over the years, there’s been a lot. He’s done so much. I’ve probably caused a couple wrinkles (not that you notice any!). He’s never complained for made me feel worthless. I could start writing about before the age of 12 when I became sick, but I guess this blog is mostly open about my life going through all this.

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I remember when I started my period (shhhhh so embarrassing). I was 12 at elementary school, and it all started. None of us knew my platelets are low or we would’ve contacted a dr with the way it was all happening. Not normal to say the least. But I was at school, and called my Dad telling him I needed him to pick me up as soon as possible. He automatically says, “Did you start your period?”. How did he even know haha? I said yes, and he instantly said he was on his way to pick me up. Making me feel supported and safe. I’ll never forget this moment, mostly because it was embarrassing, but all because of how sweet he was to me. He brought over 15 pairs of pants for me. Which is so beyond funny. Such a man. And I appreciate it so much! He knew I needed something!

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He’s rushed me to the hospital all the many times these years. Bloody mouth, bloody nose, period, fevers, infections, just worried. He is eager and so willing (and I know he wants me there pretty bad too :)) to rush me. Day or night. I remember MANY nights of me waking him up and just needing physical help or needing ER times. I’m so thankful for all his work.

There have been so many times where I’ll start feeling “weird” over these years. I have had way too many “weird” feelings followed by seizures or other random health things. He calms me down every single time. Yes something may be going on, but I do not need to be as freaked out or anxiety worse than mine is. So calming and strong for me to keep going, keep fighting, keep believing. I’m so thankful for his care.

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I remember in high school my Dad and I were down by their pond (no clue what we’re doing down there), but I had had a giant bruise bleeding in my wrist. No, not like all these big bruises people like to show from getting hit. All mine are from spontaneous hemorrhaging from my ITP. Just thinking back to my young self I feel sad. I remember talking to my Dad about it, and he truly calmed me down. He wasn’t going to let me bleed to death. He wasn’t going to let me be scared for my wrist bleeding so heavily inside (I went and got one of my weekly infusions). I got to be able to sleep last night, not scared for my life. I’m so thankful how much he has and will protect me.

There have been nurses, Drs, CNAs, phlebotomists..basically lots like that in this whole healthcare I’ve needed over the years. The majority are AMAZING. But there is quit a few who have been very rude, mean and hurtful to a young girl. high schooler and sick woman needing them. EVERY single time my Dad has been there with me during moments with people like that, he will stand up for me. He will speak truth to these people. He will not act like it’s all ok to treat his daughter like that or let me go through it. This right there makes me breath a deep breath full of thankfulness and honor for him! P.S. If you’re one of my dear friends in hospitals and Drs, you KNOW how much I care and love you. I try and tell you every single time!

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I can’t remember the majority of what happened to me over these past 7 months. Just visions or “shots” of an activity from my intense recovery (that I’m still going through). I remember moments from my Dad being the most helpful person I could ever express. I could barely see. I would just grab his arm and he would help me, always telling me what’s about to come as we walk. I remember about 30 seconds in Arizona of just not understanding how to wear clothes or what to put on my body. I really can’t even explain how little I was able to do things. This is when I was at the start of my inability to talk right, and he came and helped me understand the clothes to put on that day, how to put them on, if I’ll be ok wearing them. He sat with me in Arizona and “watched” movies with me all day everyday. I had no clue what was happening in movies because I couldn’t see right, understand that many words, or words even being spoken. He just sat there to be with me. Yep, another thing that makes me cry.

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Noclue the dates or times of any of these memories, but they’re shot into my head even when the majority is gone. Very crazy to me. Months after Arizona we were watching a movie, no clue what. And I told my Dad I needed to talk with him. I was talking to him about everything I was possibly going through will all this. It’s when the side of my left was still swollen and I had zero feel of emotions. It was terrifying. I felt no emotion you could even think of. After this movie I had felt a glimpse of love. And I was telling my Dad how hard it is because I barely feel anything. I told him I know that I completely love him, but I feel none of it. You have to understand, it’s not an emotion I had to not feel these, it’s my brain being very swollen and having to rewire all of my nerves on that side. Very intense. He just helped me know that I will feel again, even though I couldn’t imagine it then. I knew it would happen. He was there for me, and cared through every thing that my brain was dealing with.

I’m so beyond thankful to have him as my father. He really is the best man, and if you know me, you know I don’t feel the need to just say things 🙂 I love you, Dad. ♥

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My heart breaks for the beautiful friends in my young life who have lost their Dad. I’m not going to write a long thing, for it is not our job to fill it with words. Someone who has not gone through this (me). I don’t ever want to say words of “encouragement” when that’s not needed or hurtful. My heart has felt very loving to my friends, very caring, and very sorrowful. It’s not just one day a year for those who’ve lost. It’s daily. Care for your friends, never make it all better. Much love to you all ♥

Mornin’ Smoothie

Hello dear friends,

I hope all is well in your homes and hearts, I’m happy to say it is over here! I had to share with you all my smoothie I make every morning. This past year has been such an eye opening one of how important it is to eat healthy, and I’m such a strong encourager to others to join in, especially those battling a sickness of any kind. It can truly change how you feel and think if you just feed your body real and true nutrients!

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So what are the benefits of all these yummy foods?

Read More

Real Talk

Most of you who have been following on here have noticed a change. It isn’t just about my health, in fact most of it isn’t even talking about my health struggles. I’d love to keep you updated and let you know what’s really going on, please watch this video I made 🙂

 

 

So since I have been working with brands that’s why you’ll see so many pictures on here. I’ve been reaching out to many, and have been contacted by lots. Hoping to make a small income off of working with them. Pass the word around if you feel up to it!

This cozy sweater is from Closet Revival! Loved going to the beach and enjoying it’s warmth 🙂

 

 

Get 20% off with code: shophannah Go check out Closet Revival!

The link to my fundraising page is here ♥♥

And please share!

 

Free People Love

 

Lavender, braids, bees, and flowy Free People ♥

 

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I remember going on this shoot with Dawn, it was the first time we’d met, but we clicked and I adore her. She was so full of joy and made me feel so comfortable and lovely. We were in a little lavender field full of 100s of bumble bees. It was such a pleasant little time and I’m so glad these moments happen.
If you already don’t know Free People is in my top 3 favorite clothing lines. So much bohemian goodness in everything!
What is your favorite Boho brand? ♥

 

P.S. Go find Dawn on Instagram!

Arizona

Update on my Mayo/Arizona trip:
So this has been already quite an interesting experience. The first day and my first appointment was with a hematologist. He was sadly like so many drs I’ve seen who have no desire to really find out why you’re sick. Where my disease is coming from. He threw out some new suggestions of chemos that wouldn’t actually cure me. Just suppress my immune system more. I sat there crying through the whole appointment. I was beyond disappointed by the lack of care this man showed. When we were explaining to him all my new symptoms he had the blankest stare and said, “I can sit here and act sympathetic, but I can’t do anything.” Ok there was no sympathy or care that man was portraying. Jeez it was terrible. It made me feel so hopeless and that the whole trip was pointless. Thankfully we scheduled more appointments and different drs after that.
The next day we saw a neurologist who was incredibly thorough and really tried to get down to the bottom of it. She already did a ton of blood tests and I’m going to be hospitalized Monday to do more testing to find out why I’m having so many seizures, so light headed and dizzy, and constant weird pain in my head. She said there’s a chance that from my brain infection in 2007 I have scarring on my brain and that’s what’s causing all this. If they could figure it out that would be amazing. They would have to do surgery on my brain to remove it, which is dangerous plus my lack of platelets would be even more dangerous so they would have to figure everything out with my platelets first. So thankful to see a Dr willing to help!
Tomorrow I’m seeing an immunologist which I’ve never seen one and am hoping they will be willing and eager to really find out why my immune system is so against me. Find out the real reason behind my disease.
Thankful that Rous and my mom have been able to be here during this. Sadly Rous leaves tomorrow and my heart is pretty broken. He’s done so good at trying to be there for me. Right after my first appointment when I couldn’t stop crying he said, “welp, one appointment down..couple weeks to go!” I thought about it and realized it made absolutely no sense at all and there was no comfort in that ha but I ended up on the floor in the hospital laughing so hard because of it. He really is doing his best. They both are. But it’s hard when you haven’t been in my place ha but they’re both doing so good to be there for me. I’ve had lots of people texting and asking and praying and I can’t tell you how much good that does for me to know people truly care.
Today we went to a butterfly stadium and there was thousands of butterflies…it was beyond incredible. I was in complete awe at the beauty of all of them. It was really on my heart how much the Lord truly loves me. He created all these beautiful butterflies but those aren’t His children. I am. He loves me and cares for me so much more than those unreal looking creatures. I am His. I’m in the palm of His hands. He’s in control of this all.
The lady on the plane next to me told me that the Lord put it on her heart to give me a book about Psalm 91. Which just so happens to be the chapter I’ve been reading and praying for months through all this. She said she’ll be praying for me.
“Because he has set his love upon Me, therefore I will deliver him; I will set him on high, because he has known My name. He shall call upon Me, and I will answer him; I will be with him in trouble; I will deliver him and honor him. With long life I will satisfy him, and show him My salvation”

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“Faith I can look up to”

So I leave for the Mayo Clinic in 8 days. I’m sad to say the fear of nothing happening out weighs my hope of healing. I do know something good will come of it. God is in the midst.

I received a letter the other day that touched me in a way that no words really ever had. It hit so hard at what I’ve desired to come from my sickness. It gave me a joy that this isn’t all for nothing. The Lord really is at work. I learned at a young age to not care about the physical appearance so it was always hard to relate to girls for me because I know that’s what we’re pushed to do. To look like those girls that are touched up in magazines.. To be perfect. But none of us are. My body was far from perfect, on the inside especially. So I didn’t really care about the out. I need to be reminded though to not be consumed with getting the inside perfect and healthy but really my heart. My soul. We’re not on earth to be perfectly beautiful and healthy creatures (although it seems like some have it all you don’t know their heart). We’re here to be a light in this dark world. I pray that that above all is my hearts desire. I long so badly to be free from all pain and suffering, and fear that being sick has brought but I want to long even more to be like Jesus. To love the unlovable, to be gracious, kind, understanding, a joy to be around.. And very forgiving.

So from a younger age I saw things differently. These words I read gave me a hope that all this hasn’t been for nothing. That the Lord has used my bad for good. I feel so beyond grateful. The girl that wrote me this letter we may have talked once in our lives but I’ve always just thought she was a stunning girl. These are her words:

This letter is a couple of years too late, but nonetheless, I wanted to share with you how you’ve inspired me. This may sound strange because we don’t know each other very well, but I have always looked up to you. When I would see you at church or see your activity on MySpace (lol), I thought you had the best style. I remember that you weren’t afraid to be natural, and you always looked so beautiful. I have what I call the “lion hair” as well and I used to be SO SCARED to wear it unstyled. It also took me a long time to go anywhere without makeup. You have influenced me through your own style and confidence to be secure in my natural beauty and a couple years ago I decided that I’m beautiful, just as God made me. I was told briefly by a friend about what you’re going through and I’m so sorry. You show such strength and dignity, grace and loveliness. You entirely emanate a beautiful woman of God and I’m sure you reach so many people that you don’t even know. Proverbs 31:30-31 says, “charm is deceptive and beauty does not last; but a woman who fears the Lord will be greatly praised.” You have such a unique opportunity , to witness to those who are sick, to show (as you have already) the joy the Lord brings in your life. I want to encourage you that no matter what the Lord places in your life, to know you are shining and He works everything together for good. Thank you for having faith I can look up to.

With love, C

Just writing down her letter I’m crying. I didn’t show this to puff myself up but to show how much those words meant. Through suffering… Goodness comes. When you suffer you have the opportunity to show love and be a light or to become bitter and hard. I struggled with the latter for years but am glad I’m free of that. He works EVERYTHING together for good.

Thank you to all have said my suffering has encouraged them and I’m sorry to those who have heard me complain.

Thank you for your support friends xox

June 8th

I’ve been sick for 11 years but in these past 2 months have never felt so sick and afraid.
The content pressure in my chest, weird pain and tingles in my head
, the feeling of blacking out constantly. Oh my how hard this has been on me. Mind, body, and soul.
I’m doing my best to hope, trust and have peace but my best isn’t very good I guess.
We’ve been doing everything to get into ohsu to get another opinion and just some real help, but it could be months they say.
The hard thing is all my drs here just think I’m having extreme anxiety. That all the years of sickness has finally caught up to my mind. If it really is anxiety then that angers me so badly. We are not to be anxious. I pray against it everyday, but real anxiety can be debilitating.
I don’t want any of this to last and I want real answers from drs who care about their patients.
If you’re reading this I do ask for prayer against anxiety, to be able to get up to ohsu soon and really for all these new symptoms to just be gone.

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In the multitude of my anxieties within me, your comforts delight my soul.