Waking up at 4 am with my heart going wild over life is hard (anxiety, stress and this wild heart disease). Why can’t everything be ok?
I never thought I’d still be a sick girl by now.
It’s actually a very, alone battle to be suffering for so long. Not having people understand… me looking “normal.
Every single day I wake up not knowing if it’ll be a “good” day or a sick day. It can change within seconds in my body too.
But I know, I look “normal”.
I went to my high school reunion two nights ago. It was a lot of emotions for me in a lot of ways. I was so sick in high school… that’s when I had meningitis… and I’m still dealing with it.
I’m still struggling that battle.. 10 years later?!
So many said how great I look and that I must be better than what they’ve heard of me online…
It’s crazy, that the day before at the same time I was in the er. My vertigo was crazy. The cyst on my head had increased a bit and my hemotologist was concerns that it had grown more on my brain and that’s what’s been causing all my messed up symptoms for the 2 months.
I was scheduled to get the mri today, but the way I felt had to be done. I had to get the results figured.
I remember laying in the bed just feeling so alone. Rous was with me and I appreciate him so much. But alone to the fact that it’s my whole body…. my whole body has been doing this er thing since I was 12? Why?
Why am I getting multiple mris a year for my brain? Why do my platelets still drop terribly low? Why do I feel so sick and messed up so many days?
But I look great right? I’m not sick anymore right? It could be worse right?
If you felt how I felt you wouldn’t ask me things like that. You wouldn’t assume you know how I’m physically and even mentally feeling.
It’s a battle in both ways.
Right before I was getting my mri, the man running the whole thing kept calling me friend, kept being caring, genuine, sorry I’m doing this (after reading my history he said). He changed how I emotionally felt with it all. He made me feel understood that I’m sick, cared for that I’m sick, ACKNOWLEDGING that my life has been hard and this suffering is very real.
I remember listening to Citizens and Saints as the whole mri noises are blaring in my head and I was crying, I felt so cared for my this random man? Why can’t I feel understood by those I know? Why did a man I just met understand I’m still sick and have been for so long?
My spirit was lifted in the midst of that mri. I felt thankful to God that He allowed me to meet that man. I told him after how much I genuinely appreciate the care that he gave me, the words that he said.
It’s so hard feeling so misunderstood with my health battle.
Just to have a few in my corner understand means so much for my being. Just to acknowledging that this is a struggle and they feel for me, care for me, understand I’m sick… means so much.
I’m still struggling with the severe trauma from the last brain surgery. My drs didn’t think it would be that bad…. it’s made me a different person. Good and hard ways. The Lord will use it and already has in SO many ways… that still makes it hard though.
Laying down on the couch all day is weekly, appointments are weekly, checkups are weekly, dr calls are weekly, er visits are often.
That’s my life. The reality is I’m suffering. The reality is I’m sick. The reality is about 4 people understand (not including Drs, nurses, counselors). Imagine going through so much sicknesses and only saying 4 people get it? It’s hard. It hard to my heaviness of feeling alone with it all.
Please stop asking when I’m having a baby. Please stop saying you’re so happy I’m not sick anymore. Please stop saying at least I’m pretty (makes me sick to my stomach even being reminded of people saying that). Please stop saying it could be worse. Please stop telling me to just smile more.
Please cry with me. Please a-knowledge that I’m still sick. Please feel sadness for each health event I have. Please don’t have your prayer be for kids but for my HEALTH. Please know my faith and trust in God is so much greater from all the sorrow that continues. Please don’t look at me and assume “I’m fine”. Please don’t compare. Please don’t give me advice. Please know it’s a continual battle. Everyday.
Well, it’s now 5:19 am. Maybe today I’ll feel “good”. ❤️