Reality Of My Life

Waking up at 4 am with my heart going wild over life is hard (anxiety, stress and this wild heart disease). Why can’t everything be ok?

I never thought I’d still be a sick girl by now.

It’s actually a very, alone battle to be suffering for so long. Not having people understand… me looking “normal.

Every single day I wake up not knowing if it’ll be a “good” day or a sick day. It can change within seconds in my body too.

But I know, I look “normal”.

I went to my high school reunion two nights ago. It was a lot of emotions for me in a lot of ways. I was so sick in high school… that’s when I had meningitis… and I’m still dealing with it.

I’m still struggling that battle.. 10 years later?!

So many said how great I look and that I must be better than what they’ve heard of me online…

It’s crazy, that the day before at the same time I was in the er. My vertigo was crazy. The cyst on my head had increased a bit and my hemotologist was concerns that it had grown more on my brain and that’s what’s been causing all my messed up symptoms for the 2 months.

I was scheduled to get the mri today, but the way I felt had to be done. I had to get the results figured.

I remember laying in the bed just feeling so alone. Rous was with me and I appreciate him so much. But alone to the fact that it’s my whole body…. my whole body has been doing this er thing since I was 12? Why?

Why am I getting multiple mris a year for my brain? Why do my platelets still drop terribly low? Why do I feel so sick and messed up so many days?

But I look great right? I’m not sick anymore right? It could be worse right?

If you felt how I felt you wouldn’t ask me things like that. You wouldn’t assume you know how I’m physically and even mentally feeling.

It’s a battle in both ways.

Right before I was getting my mri, the man running the whole thing kept calling me friend, kept being caring, genuine, sorry I’m doing this (after reading my history he said). He changed how I emotionally felt with it all. He made me feel understood that I’m sick, cared for that I’m sick, ACKNOWLEDGING that my life has been hard and this suffering is very real.

I remember listening to Citizens and Saints as the whole mri noises are blaring in my head and I was crying, I felt so cared for my this random man? Why can’t I feel understood by those I know? Why did a man I just met understand I’m still sick and have been for so long?

My spirit was lifted in the midst of that mri. I felt thankful to God that He allowed me to meet that man. I told him after how much I genuinely appreciate the care that he gave me, the words that he said.

It’s so hard feeling so misunderstood with my health battle.

Just to have a few in my corner understand means so much for my being. Just to acknowledging that this is a struggle and they feel for me, care for me, understand I’m sick… means so much.

I’m still struggling with the severe trauma from the last brain surgery. My drs didn’t think it would be that bad…. it’s made me a different person. Good and hard ways. The Lord will use it and already has in SO many ways… that still makes it hard though.

Laying down on the couch all day is weekly, appointments are weekly, checkups are weekly, dr calls are weekly, er visits are often.

That’s my life. The reality is I’m suffering. The reality is I’m sick. The reality is about 4 people understand (not including Drs, nurses, counselors). Imagine going through so much sicknesses and only saying 4 people get it? It’s hard. It hard to my heaviness of feeling alone with it all.

Please stop asking when I’m having a baby. Please stop saying you’re so happy I’m not sick anymore. Please stop saying at least I’m pretty (makes me sick to my stomach even being reminded of people saying that). Please stop saying it could be worse. Please stop telling me to just smile more.

Please cry with me. Please a-knowledge that I’m still sick. Please feel sadness for each health event I have. Please don’t have your prayer be for kids but for my HEALTH. Please know my faith and trust in God is so much greater from all the sorrow that continues. Please don’t look at me and assume “I’m fine”. Please don’t compare. Please don’t give me advice. Please know it’s a continual battle. Everyday.

Well, it’s now 5:19 am. Maybe today I’ll feel “good”. ❤️

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5 Month Check Up

There is no way I could put into words everything I’ve been through over these months. This surgery was nothing like my Drs thought was going to happen. I still wake up everyday now with all of this rushing through my mind, thinking “did this really just happen?”.

Every single brain surgery is different for people. Not all the same. When my amazing surgeon ended up taking out a lot more than expected, it made this recovery (that’s still happening no matter how much “better” I look) way harder than they thought.

I of course was going to start this by saying “I don’t remember everything I wrote in my last blog”. But I of course know what a lot of you will do bringing up your memory. I guess what I’ll bring up is to help others going through times of suffering. When you ask your friend, family member, church friend, high school person or just a girl you follow on a blog, listen, do not in an instant bring up what you went through, are going through, your grandma went through, you have a friend who could understand, or you know someone on a blog. Listen. Take it in. Do not start quoting bible verses or saying it’s all going to be “better”. Listen. Care for this human.

The things I’ve been going through for 15 years now has taught me a lot. I want to be there for others. Not in ways that cause hurt or stress to those suffering, but be there with care and love. Even as I type this I have 4 people in my mind who had wrote on my last blog that it sucks what I’ve been through and they love me. I look at that and just go “ugh, thank you!”.

Even after this last surgery that had enabled my brain not to work right. Could not talk right (still dealing with that but WAY better), could not see right at all (steal dealing with that and just saw a terrible eye dr about it, ugh pray), has ZERO emotions (it’s in the spot on my brain where all emotions come from), when people would talk they’d have to go slow or reexplain because I couldn’t understand for months, the left side of my jaw was cut before surgery so he would have room and I’m still feeling that heal up everyday when sowed back together. Rous rubbed my head yesterday and touched over on my left side and bam, nice pain feel over there. It still hurts all on my big area. Because I’m still unable to handle things said to me because it was a big traumatic experience my drs explained to me, I’m unable to handle even people saying things to me. I’ve been handling things said to me about health for all these years now so just understand, no I can’t handle this and it’s been 15 years now. Let it be.

I’ve had people bring up their animals having grand mals ( if you ever watch a human or me have them I don’t think you’d say that, people having cancer, people dying, people having brain surgery (every single one is different), people telling me I’m all healed ( mmmmm wait go to a drs app with me then), and people saying “at least I look good”. Oh wow even bringing up that last one makes me breath heavy.

When others are going through hard things, listen and truly care. Otherwise don’t say anything.

I needed to talk to someone so bad months ago. Because I didn’t understand how to keep doing this, how to keep going through my recovery. I told my Dad (who I’m obsessed with) that I need to talk to someone. Someone who has been dealing with sickness longer than me. If it’s been shorter than 15 years I’m not going to talk. If there younger than 40 I’m not going to talk as well. That’s a whole other topic :). I got to talk to sweet Peter John. He gets me. He fully understands what I just went through and have for years. To have meningitis, brain surgery and other intense diseases for 20 years makes me be able to breath and feel comfortable what he would say to me. He gets it. Beyond grateful for that encourager and example of going through sicknesses daily.

What I’m saying is those are the people I would want to talk about their sickness.

I hope this truly makes sense for others. I hope those truly suffering read this because I know how strongly their weak heart (mine) need it.

In Arizona now receiving my first check ups in 5 months. Heavy on me. Much needed though. All testing yesterday was very heavy and hard for me. Makes me want to cry now. Today I get to see my amazing neurologist who I adore and am happy for that. She will help me, calm me and explain what I just went through and how to keep dealing or future things like this. All appointments till Friday. At least I get SO much sun!

Thank you for the 100s of prayers that I know have been going. Thank you for the support I have felt in many different ways.

Again I’ll say to those hurting, I feel you. I get it. Just one day at a time. ❤️

That part of my eye has been blacked out for far too long. Hoping for healing of that! I’m literally completely blacked out there. If you hold your hand there or stand there it’s gone.

Real Talk

Most of you who have been following on here have noticed a change. It isn’t just about my health, in fact most of it isn’t even talking about my health struggles. I’d love to keep you updated and let you know what’s really going on, please watch this video I made 🙂

 

 

So since I have been working with brands that’s why you’ll see so many pictures on here. I’ve been reaching out to many, and have been contacted by lots. Hoping to make a small income off of working with them. Pass the word around if you feel up to it!

This cozy sweater is from Closet Revival! Loved going to the beach and enjoying it’s warmth 🙂

 

 

Get 20% off with code: shophannah Go check out Closet Revival!

The link to my fundraising page is here ♥♥

And please share!

 

Inspired by Darling

Hello my wonderful friends!

This new season of my life has been pretty crazy, and dare I say wonderful?! I’ve been so blessed by all the love and support I’ve had. I’ve been so truly blessed to have a life that’s waaaaay more normal than the one I was living. Seizure free, has abled me to start living the life I’ve always dreamed of.

I’m able to have my first job at my most favorite store, Terra Firma Home. Every time I’m there I’m so full of joy. I’ve never have been able to be around people, and meet so so many new people. The only time I was around new (ish) people, was church, and Doctors/hospital visits. So this has brought me so much joy to meet new people, and talk with them.

Rous, and I have been talking about all the plans for the future that we’re now able to do. It’s so crazy. We didn’t realize how held back we were, until I was free of this. The other night at 8 PM we spontaneously drove to the coast, went to bed in our Subaru in the back, woke up at 5 to watch the sunrise.. Of course it was too cloudy and foggy so we explored the ocean. Had such good quality time. We’ve never been able to do things like that because I was too sick. Did this make me extra tired? Yes, but my seizures didn’t double up because of the lack of sleep. Now we can’t wait to see what the future hold for us!

I’ve alway have had a desire to truly be a light to this world. I’ve learned so much from all of this, and want to inspire girls, and others who are suffering. Since having more energy and the ability to do more things, this desire has really increased. I’ve been reaching out to so many people to encourage and help, with just life, and I’m so grateful for it.

I want to share my story with so many, but have never really been able to grasp how. A little over a year ago this article I wrote at Darling Magazine, was chosen to be featured. It’s been so encouraging to me to remember that that happened. I love Darling, and the message they portray of natural, and healthy beauty. I hope to get more involved with them and other businesses like that. If you have any advice please contact me ♥

I have so many dreams for life, and I slowly feel like things are coming forth. I know so many of us have dreams and desires, and we just think that they will never happen so we don’t take a leap of faith. Well, I’m telling you, as a girl who suffered so badly from seizures. And was unable to do so much with my life. Is now taking my leap into new beginnings, you should too! I still have two diseases, but I really want to experience life, so I’m not letting those drag me down.

I hope and pray that you take your leap of faith. If you want to talk more please contact me. ♥

Click HERE to read the Darling post.

Seizure Free!

The sad thing is I feel like most of my posts are full of bad news. Bad health updates, how depressed I am, just how hard life is (if not I have severe memory loss haha).

This one, however, will not be like that. The 10th of this month was my 3 month anniversary of being seizure free. Just writing that makes me cry. I truly had no idea what a life was like without so many seizures a day. And the crazy thing is when they were testing me, even when I wasn’t feeling my seizures, there was still soooooo much seizure activity going on. So I always felt so sick for a good reason, so much activity going on there!

Well, Rous and I got back from our trip to the mayo a couple days ago. I’ve had so many people asking how it went, and I’m so bad at explaining things using my mouth now. Part of my brain that they burned off was the ability to think of words, thankfully I’m on a computer now and can take my sweet time, but when I talk to people it is such a struggle for me. So here is the little update….

Every MRI, ct scan, EEG (that’s basically all brain testing) that they did on me, came back completely seizure free. Zero seizure activity! My Drs. were even impressed by that. They thought I’d still be having at least one a week, but nope none. My sweet Neurologist says in about 3 months she will start weening me off my high dose of meds. At first I was a little bummed that it wouldn’t be right away, but I think I can wait 3 more months. She just wants to be extra careful with me and I’m so beyond grateful for the care i’ve received from her. They want me to see a speech therapist so I’ll hopefully be able to relearn how to communicate.

The hard thing is my blindness is still strongly there. Hasn’t exactly improved. Both eyes are now 25 percent blind. I’m slowly getting used to it, but still hoping that it comes back. My short term memory is significantly worse. They told me it would be, but wow they really burned off almost all of it. I feel so bad because I can’t remember anyone. Who they are, what their name is, memories of us. It’s crazy. The funny thing is I have had so many people say, “Hey my memory is just as bad and I didn’t have surgery.” I’m laughing now just writing this because no, no it’s not. Ha people don’t know what it’s like to have that burned off. I know so many people say things like that to try and relate, but it’s just hard to hear so much. I almost didn’t write this, but I thankfully can’t remember anyone who said it, I just know it’s been said to me so much. So I guess that’s a plus with memory loss :)Tee hee. And don’t be upset if you did say it!

This trip to the Mayo was seriously such a huge blessing to both Rous and myself. It was honestly just full of joy and real blessing from the Lord. I got to see a very dear friend, her name is Hope. Of course it is 🙂 I met her last time I was there and we got to talk about brain problems. That woman has suffered so much. She has had soooo many surgeries on her brain. And she even has my heart disease, POTS. I just am so blessed to know someone who truly understands what it likes to suffer in my way. People who have hard health issues definitely get this! This is Hope, and I’m asking you right now to just lift this amazing woman up in prayer. Pray for strength, peace, joy and healing. Prayer is so powerful! ♥IMG_5418

One of the days Rousseaux and I went into Starbucks and sat down at a table. I of course wanted to be in the sun so I had us move to a long table. There was a man sitting at the far end of it working on his laptop. We were there a couple minutes and the man says to me that I should get out of the sun. I told him how much I love being in the sun. A few minutes later we start opening up to each other…Why we were in Arizona, what I just went through. He turns his computer to us and what do you know he was in the process of studying? Focal seizures! My ex seizures! We were all so blown away by it. He is on his last steps of becoming a neurologist! We moved down by him and just started talking about life. It was his birthday, and he’s so far away from his family. He felt so blessed by us. And we thought it was so special to meet him. One of the sweetest most genuine, Jesus loving men we’ve met. We knew that was the Lord. We had breakfast with him the next morning and he drove us around showing us neat things there.His name is Giorgio. Which was even funnier to us because Rousseaux and I have a nickname for each other called Georgieaux, pronounced the same.

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The rest of the trip was talks of the future. What will life be like now without this? Do I have my blood disease? Yes. But I have had no serious bleeding in months! Do I have my heart disease? Yes. But I’m slowly trying to get used to it by ignoring and not fearing the symptoms that I get. We want to travel. I want to go to Australia! I first knew I was in love with Rous when he was living there and I was here, it’s so special to us. I have my first job that I love so much. I wanted to stop after my first day because I had never done so much or anything like that. My amazing boss said that I could, I could go home and get back on the couch all day. Or I could step out and try this. Wow, that blew my mind and encouraged me to keep going, and i’m so thankful that I have.

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Here is my beautiful Neurologist!

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A little post I did after seeing my surgeon:

Today I got to see my amazing surgeon, of course I started crying when I saw him. The Lord used him to totally take away my seizures! He said he was so so happy for me, and how sad he was of how sick and depressed I got after surgery. He kept reiterating how excited he was for my recovery and how different my life is going to be, starting at 25 being new. And how thankful he is to be able to do what he does to help me. Thank you sweet Dr. Zimmerman

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It’s been on my heart for awhile now, and just recently I really felt called to write a little book about my struggles, battles, hardships, and joy that I’m able to have through it all. Since going through such hard things since a young age, my prayer has always been that the Lord will use me to be a light and example to others who are battling such hardships. Now that I’m starting a new season of my life I feel it is time to start on this book. The crazy thing is I was at work, and my old Pastor Peter-John came in. I was just thinking about contacting him the day before because he wrote a book, and his testimony of what he’s been through touched me so much. I told him that I was thinking about it and he said he didn’t think he was suppose to be in the store to buy something, but to tell me that I absolutely am suppose to write a book! So well, that’s confirmation for me alright! If you have any wisdom, knowledge advice please please contact me.

My friend Amy, has started a fundraiser for me. As most of you know brain surgery, drs appointments, massive amounts of testing and traveling back and forth can be expensive. If you feel led to give even a tiny bit it would bless us so much. We fully know the Lord will provide and that thankfully gives us peace. Click here for the link 🙂

As most of you know I’ve wanted to meet Ellen and give her a hug. Thanking her for all the laughter she’s brought me through so many days of sorrow. I have not heard from her yet, but we made another video to hopefully get in contact with her…

Here is our new video, I can now sing from surgery!!

2 Month Celebration

It was 9 years of having multiple seizures a day, 2 years of having over 20 a day. They would wear me out so badly. I couldn’t talk when I was having one, I couldn’t tell whoever I was with that I was. I couldn’t even think of the word seizure after I was done having one. I was so beyond fatigued after one, my whole body just felt so sick. I could barely talk for quite awhile after. I couldn’t eat after. I didn’t even remember what life was like to not have multiple seizures a day.

Today is the 2 month celebration of not one seizure since my surgery. I’m crying out of joy as I write this. I had no clue what it was like to live a seizure free life. Wow, it is so beyond different. I honestly feel like a new person! My heart and head feel so much kinder towards…life! I have a joy that I don’t ever remember having. My desires to do so many things are slowly becoming realities and I just feel so blessed, so thankful, so happy.

The first month or  I regretted it badly. Even though I wasn’t having seizures it made me  beyond sick. And I was  out of it, and so scared that that’s what my life would be like. They didn’t warn me about any side effects, but boy did I have them! Now all that I really have is the blindness on the right side of both my eyes, which I’m slowly getting used to. And the ability to not think of words as I’m talking, ha which I’m not used to at all. I’ve lost so so much memory, but really I’m completely ok with that. I can’t remember names, or a lot of memories. But I’ve learned to write things down quickly!

I’ve desired for such a long time to be able to bless people in a big way. And although you might not think this is big, it sure makes people happy. I no longer charge for my photography. I want to be able to give people full sessions and edits with no cost! I’ve already started and it’s just made me so happy! I’m doing a wedding next month! My desire is to really be set up with a nicer camera and lens so I can bless people in a bigger way. This Saturday I’m having a little shop in my backyard of beautiful clothes and house decorations, to try and raise money for this project I’m working on. Ugh I’m just so excited!

Early June, Rous and I head off to the Mayo Clinic for a couple days for lots of testing and Drs appointments. I’m very curious of what a machine will actually catch in my brain. Is all the seizure activity really gone? There’s been moments where I feel like I might have one, but I don’t. I wonder if that’s actual seizure activity or just my body so dang used to it that I feel that. We shall see!

I have 1 sickness down, and two to go! One of the cures for POTS (heart disease) is working out. I haven’t been able to because of how sick I was. But for the past 3 weeks I’ve been working out pretty hard, so desperate for my heart to function normal, so I feel normal. It’s been just all around amazing for my health and mind ♥

Thank you to all the people who gave us food for a whole month after the surgery, wow was that needed and such a blessing. I don’t really remember most, but just know that I’m thankful. Thank you to the 100s of people praying for me, for all the kind words, sweet notes, loving hugs. So much love to you all ♥

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Photo by my dear friend Rachel Haylie. Go check her out at Rachelhaylie.com

Love is patient, love is kind.

well, it’s definitely been awhile since i’ve been on here. recently i’ve had quite a few people come up to me saying they want me to update on my blog and one person saying how much of a blessing it was to them, which in return really made me happy!

The past couple months lots has changed. Rousseaux and i were very blessed to be able to move back down to southern oregon. it’s so weird, neither of us thought we’d really ever like to move back, but boy are we so happy we did. he’s now working at an amazing church that we’re both so thankful for and part time at a coffee shop. he’s doing so beyond much to provide for us and i’m so beyond grateful for that man!

i am now back to seeing my Dr. of who i had for 7 years. i can’t even describe how much of a relief it is to be under the care of this woman. to know how much she loves me and is there for me. so much of my anxiety is gone just because of her. that whole drs office i love so much. my first day back i cried quite a few times seeing so many faces who make my visits good! i am so thankful for each one of them. since being back i have not had a treatment, because there’s been (basically) no active bleeding. the lowest my platelet count got was 3,000 and wow was i bruising. All my symptoms are back since moving here; bloody noses, big bruises, PETECHIA, blood blisters in mouth and lots of gum bleeding. which is just so weird because my platelets were low in eugene, but i hardly showed it! Oh well, unless there’s serious bleeding i’m not going to get a treatment. but if i do get one i have the best nurses in the world who i love and miss so much! they have been some of the most amazing woman in my life over the years and i’m so touched by them!

i’ve been trying to fill up my time, when i’m feeling good, so i’m not home all day. so i started pursuing photography. i’ve absolutely loved it for years, but never really thought about making it a little business, for fun and to help Rous! so i’ve been able to spend hours shooting people and editing. it’s been so fun and i’m so grateful for the OPPORTUNITIES i’ve had. i can’t wait to learn more, experience more and meet more people doing it! Visit geoegiarose.org to see!

my strength and faith over the past year has been very rough. i’ve questioned god so much. i’ve cried and felt so alone, so much. since getting my new heart disease i’ve really struggled with my faith and walk. the passion that once burned inside me seems to have faded…but i can say with a joyous heart that since moving back down here my hope has increased, my joy and delight in the lord is coming back, my desire to bring his love to this world is there and i’m so excited!

my pastor, kenner, taught on what it really means to love as a christian this morning. i was really convicted, but also really excited and inspired. we are to love as christ loved, which is hard, but we’re called to do it. when i’m tired and don’t feel like loving, i’m called to. when someone is rude and hurtful, i’m called to. when they seem absolutely unlovable, i’m called to.. i pray that this next chapter of my life, our life will be one that i do pour out his love. i want jesus to use what i’m going through to bring his love into this wolrd. i don’t want to be sick, but for the time that i am i want to be used!

quick little story, and i’m done! i was sitting at the drs office waiting for my results (i am always the youngest one in there!!) and this older man sits across from me. he just had a sweet presence about him. he didn’t creep me out like most men who smile at me. he saw that they had to draw my blood twice and he said that made him sad, and he realy meant it. he got called into see his dr and i didn’t think i’d see him again. but they had ordered the wrong tests for me and basically it was taking over an hour to do what should have taken 20 minutes. i was trying not to get mad, which can easily happen at the drs, and i told rous next to me that maybe the lord had a purpose for this. welp 40 minutes later the man came walking out of his appointment and was surprised to see me. he said he was so saddened to see someone so young in there and that he will be praying for me every night and that there really is a god. i stood up and said that jesus is the only one  getting me through this. he came over, gave me a hug and started crying. well, we both did. he said he prays every night on his knees and he faithfully will be praying for me. he encouraged me that this is not it. that jesus is coming back and when he does every tear will be wiped away and every sickness healed. i felt so encouraged by that! it was so neat to see how that was ORCHESTRATED!

i don’t know who still reads my blog, but i love you all and am so grateful for the support and love i’ve RECEIVED from you over the years ♥

View More: http://dawnpiebengaphoto.pass.us/hannahbrasseur

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.  It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails

July 9th

I don’t even know how to keep writing about everything that’s been going on. To be sick this long with no answers has been the hardest thing for me. I saw a new neurologist a couple days ago and he took a long time to hear everything and get all my information on the computer of all my tests over the past couple months. He said he definitely thinks some things going on… That isn’t anxiety. Something connected to my brain, heart and bowels. He’s going to team up with my neurologist and find some answers. He said there is a high possibility that I have either a weird bacteria in me or my body has started another auto immune disease. I don’t really like the sound of either, but I’m so desperate for an answer. I was so thankful for a Dr that seemed yo care instead of the last neurologist I saw who just loaded me up with prescriptions and that’s it.
I was crying to Rousseaux today because I feel so beyond trapped inside my own body. A body that is killing itself and that hurts all the time. I long to be free from all of this pain and sickness. I feel like I’ve tried everything but there is just nothing more I can do. I try to have more faith and peace, but wow it is beyond hard. I’m hoping this new Dr helps. My hope though can’t be in man. It just can’t. They will fail and disappoint. But there is One who will never fail. I wish I could say I feel stronger through this, but I’ve never felt so weak before. Really physically, emotionally and spiritually. So weak. BUT He is strong.
I would have lost heart, unless I had believed that i would see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait on the Lord; be of good courage, and He shall strengthen your heart; wait I say on the Lord.
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There WILL be a day

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There will be a day with no more tears, no more pain, and no more fears
There will be a day when the burdens of this place, will be no more, we’ll see Jesus face to face

 

This is my friend Kelly. Please pray for her joy, strength and health.

 

No sleep post

I went to bed around 1 last night and woke back up at 4 shaking uncontrollably, again. I can’t believe how sick and tired I feel. I was suppose to get a spinal tap yesterday but platelets were only 3000. So I’ve been getting an infusion all night. They already drew my blood, at around 5:30 this morning. I mean come on people in these beds need rest. They won’t do the test unless they’re at least 100,000. I’m beyond frustrated though. The neurologist who wants to give it to me says chances are it’s not going to show anything, and if it were him he wouldn’t even do it…. Ok. So then why won’t you send me up to OHSU to get a second opinion. I’m beyond upset about this. Doesn’t make any sense. I can’t get up there unless I am referred but he won’t do it unless I get the tap, but if it were him he wouldn’t get it. Am I going crazy? I kinda feel like it.
This is the first time in a long time where I feel depression coming on. I hate that word. I’m praying whole heartily for joy in the midst of suffering, but I seem to be lacking a lot of joy right now. Tears have been running down my face for days now. The feeling of hopelessness is a hard one.
Rous has been so good at being encouraging. Yesterday he said if we put our trust in man it will fail, but if our trust is in The Lord it can not fail. He won’t fail us. Hard to lean on when you’re in pain and having crazy anxiety over this, but I’m trying so hard to have faith. To have peace.
Rousseaux text me yesterday when he left the hospital and asked if he could get me anything. I said, “peace, patience, joy…I have the long suffering part down.” I thought it was pretty funny. I try to find has much humor as I can during these times otherwise I’d be crying way more.
We’ll see today what my platelets are, decide for sure about whether to get the spinal tap, and hopefully get some dr to get me an urgent referral to OHSU. If you’re reading this please pray. I know there are 100s of people praying and it’s hard to not question why The Lord won’t answer, but I know He hears our prayers and in due time this will all be over. I’ve never wanted heaven so badly as these past couple months. There will be no more pain, suffering or tears. I long for it so badly. I have a dear friend who is also sick, she has over 1000 tumors in her body, she’s in pain and it’s incredibly hard on her spirit. One day we were texting and she said, “somedays I just close my eyes and pretend I’m in heaven.”. I love you, Kelly. Not many people can relate to physical long suffering. It’s a hard one, I’m thankful for a friend who gets it.
Again I just want to say thank you so much for all the love and support. So much money has already been donated and Rousseaux and I feel so humbled by the generosity. I’m praying The Lord uses this for answers and healing.
Be thankful for good health. Be thankful for all the little things.