Hurt and Sorrow

As I woke up this morning it was on my heart, that yes, I do need to be here for others going through suffering, going through hard times of life, going through hardness. Since my surgery happened almost 11 months ago, and I feel in no where near my old self, and not all recovered yet. I have felt so afraid by so many things, so afraid of people. I have been treated in a lot of really sad and messed up ways. Pre surgery I was able to handle being uncared for as a sick person, I could handle being gossiped about, I could handle being uncared for. I could even handle constantly compare themselves to me when they as how I’m doing.

Since this last major brain surgery, I am unable to handle those things. It was a severe traumatic experience. Everything that I just wrote about people have still been treating me in this way, Even when I could barely walk, could barely talk, was blind in both eyes (now just a quarter of both eyes), had a brain swollen for so many months, and I couldn’t do anything right. Yet, I was treated in those same ways. It’s mind blowing for me. People would look to themselves about what they wanted from me, when I physically and mentally couldn’t do anything. Could you imagine the pain and fear that caused me?

When people have opened up from me over the years about their health, from ALL over the world (crazy). I don’t just bring up my pain, I truly care for them and can only imagine what it’s like for them to have to go through that situation. I know what it’s like for them to tell me they feel alone…which is the majority of people I know or random people from social media opening up to me. People that know them aren’t even there for them. They feel so uncared for and unloved. They feel so judged.

To say that I haven’t judged anyone would be highly wrong. I know I have over the years. I know how a lot of it has had to do with me being a sick person and seeing things differently, so quick of me to judge, quick of me to want people to be “right”. Still growing in that, and I think we all will for the rest of our lives.

The extreme judgement after this crazy experience has been so hard on me. So quick to judge that I’m already healed, quick to judge that Rous and I are already thinking of having kids, quick to judge that I’m a b word with relationships, when people don’t even know the relationships. It’s been so hurtful to me and so heavy. So ready to stop this blog, ready to stop my work on Instagram. Ready to stop everything and hide so I’m not judged in the way I’m seen.

Talked to my Mom last night because I was about to have moment of reaching my threshold that really makes me a different person. She had said that even if I wasn’t as open as I am, to be there to those who suffer and to be there for those who want to learn. I would still be judged. Even if I didn’t own a phone and computer I would still be judged. The teaching we listened to today had me crying the whole time. The Lord has given us ALL a purpose and He has specific things for us. Since feeling so judged and hurt I’ve wanted to throw away every social media. But I know, I know that I have a clear purpose for these 16 years of suffering. I’ve learned SO much of how to be there for those suffering and I want so deeply for others to be there for those going through crazy hard times. I can’t just give it all up because I feel hurt and uncared for and judged. No, I just have to turn my cheek and pray to God. Give each post to the glory of God, and hopes that other humans understand how not to be there to others in the midst of suffering.

One of the things that I wish I would’ve felt encouraged by was the business I have on Instagram. I’m able to work with so many brands, meet so many people, and be able to work with areas I’m good at. Photography, editing and social media. I have felt like people thing I’m just a girl so into myself. Which I get where you could go with that. But no, I make money. While I”m at home laying flat literally, the majority of all my days. If as a christian you think I shouldn’t be posting photos of myself to make money while working at home, what do you think? Do you understand how that could hurt coming to someone who’s ill? I have a passion for editing and creating content for business, it’s SO healthy for me to be able to work in a way that I”m good at and love. If you think I’m super into myself and want to feel pretty…ha, you don’t know me. I’ve talked very specifically to the people I respect about this subject. I’ve met and reached to so many people, a lot who aren’t even saved. Who see me on social media as somebody different, but they relate because they have a job with companies like I do. Hopefully this will be my last time even talking about this. If you think I’m all healed and better because I post photos of myself, nope. I do it when able for brands to pay me, and then work on editing when I’m unable to go walk around.

I know many others who “look” normal, and are talked like they are fine and healthy because they look fine. No, we’re not. Just because we look fine, in no way means we feel good and are healthy people. I feel for every single one who’s talked to me about this or who’s reading this and gets it. If you saw me at home when I feel so sick, maybe you would stop assuming and judging. For all the sick people I speak this.

For the extreme few people who I have felt so cared for and loved during this traumatic affection of my life, wow I thank you more than could ever be expressed. To my neurologist who has to email me back constantly saying, I’m STILL recovering from this brain surgery, I thank you. Making me feel like one day I’ll be better, one day it all won’t be this hard. But, that’s up to the Lord. Whether I’m sick on this earth, God’s the one with a purpose or whether I’m healed and feel what life is really like not sick one day, then I would so highly praise God and give it all to Him.  ♥

 

 

 

 

I love taking photos of the ocean. IMG_4845.jpg

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What not to say to a sick person: Part 1

Hello my dear friends, or just random people off the internet, that I’ve met SO many from. This is a huge topic that has been very heavy on me. I’ve talked to SO many others suffering who have to deal with things and feel so alone in this world from what has been effected by them. I want to be there for those suffering so badly. As my recovery still goes I know that one day I’ll be able to be there for others suffering again someday. For now I can just encourage you to not do these things. Which, sadly, the majority of humans do this when they couldn’t even imagine what someone is going through.

Much love. ♥

 

Hope in the Midst of Suffering 

As we are flying above the clouds right now, on our way to the Mayo Clinic. My mind is racing with so many thoughts. I feel like I’ve never felt this confused in my life. I don’t have a “normal” life. I have one full of so many bizarre, scary moments. In tears thinking of what just happened.
Two days ago I had a massive Grand Mal. I had driven up to my parents alone and it happened there. It feels like a dream I had. I just remember waking up on a different couch with 3 fireman over me asking me who the president was. My parents said it took 30 minutes after my seizure for me to actually come to and communicate. It took hours upon hours for my body to recover. I kept asking questions over again because none of it seemed real and I couldn’t remember anything that happened.
The night before I had gone to hear Nick Vujicic speak with Rousseaux and my dear friend Aaron. Hearing him speak, I feel like woke up my crying soul. I never thought I’d be sick for this long, just never. I thought my life was “normal” once I got pregnant and my seizures went away, ignoring the fact I still had blood disease and heart disease. Nick made me feel like I actually have a purpose in life. That yes, I may be sick, I may get more sick, but I. HAVE. A. PURPOSE.
He’s a man with no arms or legs and is changing and impacting the lives of millions. His humor made me appreciate him even more! To be able to joke about the hardest parts in your life while encouraging other people with hardships was beyond inspiring to me. He’s able to use his disabilities to to touch hearts and minds in ways no one ever could.
I cried the whole time he was speaking. Thank you Nick, for being such a light in this world. You are an amazing example to me!
It was hours after my grand mal and the ambulance had taken me to the ER that I’m laying in bed, barely able to speak. I couldn’t even walk because of everything my body went through during the seizure. I had to have two people for the rest of the night lift me up on to the toilet. I had so many people coming in and staring, so many people trying to talk to me and me just not able to because of what my brain had physically just gone through. And as I laid in the hospital bed in between sobbing and in between asking my parents what had happened over and over again, I thought of Nick.
I’m crying even thinking about it. Yes I was in pain. Yes I was so confused (still am so confused). Yes I was physically hurting. But the words “my physical ailment truly does have a purpose”, was in the back of my head. What I’m going through now, could bring healing and light to others souls. I could be there for others who no one would be able to understand. Maybe someday I’ll get up on stage and talk about all these bizarre things I’m going through, along with my twisted humor, just to be able to make someone feel the way he made me feel.
It’s been 3 years since my last grand mal. They don’t know what caused this one. No change in any medicine, no change anywhere. Why did I have one this big after my major surgery? So many questions in my life I’ll probably never know, but I have to trust that the Good Lord has a plan. I have to or there’s no point in this life.
Tomorrow I begin all of my testing for my brain. I’ll be strapped to a hospital bed with so many wires connected to my head. Please pray for my patience, answers, wisdom and understanding for Drs., patience and love for Rous and I (we’ll be in a room for over 5 days 😂), and for my fear of the future to be gone. Yes, a much bigger brain surgery is in the works. I’m scared of what could happen after that one, scared it won’t heal my seizures, scared I’ll have worse memory loss, afraid I’ll become more blind, worse at the ability to think of words when I’m verbally communicating and so much more. But I can’t let that consume my being. Everything is planned and ordained by the Lord. There is a purpose for it all.
I feel my small heavy heart starting to have a little bit of hope.
Thank you to all the people that were there for me for this big bizarre seizure. My sweet ambulance girl (who said she followed me on Instagram?! Say hi!!!!), the cutest sweetest nurse in ER, oh my goodness she was such and amazing human! Dr Suarez, for truly being there, truly caring, calling Rous to try and help find him (he was camping out in the middle of nowhere :/) and he prayed over me, what an amazing man. My parents said my brother prayed over me at home after my seizure and was so loving to me which means the world to me! My sweet Father in law Réal and Mom Cheri for driving all over the mountains to find Rous and showing me so much love and care, my dear sweet Mikaela who lives right next door to me, having a friend who truly cares and gets me means the absolute world to me. Of course my sweet Rous for being found and coming to the hospital late into the night. And most of all my Mom and Dad. They were there with me through this all. So beyond loving and caring. I couldn’t talk or really move but they helped with everything. Always comforting me with their loving touches, figuring everything out with Drs and nurses. Thank you for being there, I don’t know what I’d do without you two!
And thank you SO much to those who have given to help me along with journey! I’m hoping to get all my cards written out, but if not just know I love and appreciate you so much. You’re helping me be able to live a better life ❤️

Mornin’ Smoothie

Hello dear friends,

I hope all is well in your homes and hearts, I’m happy to say it is over here! I had to share with you all my smoothie I make every morning. This past year has been such an eye opening one of how important it is to eat healthy, and I’m such a strong encourager to others to join in, especially those battling a sickness of any kind. It can truly change how you feel and think if you just feed your body real and true nutrients!

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So what are the benefits of all these yummy foods?

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Inspired by Darling

Hello my wonderful friends!

This new season of my life has been pretty crazy, and dare I say wonderful?! I’ve been so blessed by all the love and support I’ve had. I’ve been so truly blessed to have a life that’s waaaaay more normal than the one I was living. Seizure free, has abled me to start living the life I’ve always dreamed of.

I’m able to have my first job at my most favorite store, Terra Firma Home. Every time I’m there I’m so full of joy. I’ve never have been able to be around people, and meet so so many new people. The only time I was around new (ish) people, was church, and Doctors/hospital visits. So this has brought me so much joy to meet new people, and talk with them.

Rous, and I have been talking about all the plans for the future that we’re now able to do. It’s so crazy. We didn’t realize how held back we were, until I was free of this. The other night at 8 PM we spontaneously drove to the coast, went to bed in our Subaru in the back, woke up at 5 to watch the sunrise.. Of course it was too cloudy and foggy so we explored the ocean. Had such good quality time. We’ve never been able to do things like that because I was too sick. Did this make me extra tired? Yes, but my seizures didn’t double up because of the lack of sleep. Now we can’t wait to see what the future hold for us!

I’ve alway have had a desire to truly be a light to this world. I’ve learned so much from all of this, and want to inspire girls, and others who are suffering. Since having more energy and the ability to do more things, this desire has really increased. I’ve been reaching out to so many people to encourage and help, with just life, and I’m so grateful for it.

I want to share my story with so many, but have never really been able to grasp how. A little over a year ago this article I wrote at Darling Magazine, was chosen to be featured. It’s been so encouraging to me to remember that that happened. I love Darling, and the message they portray of natural, and healthy beauty. I hope to get more involved with them and other businesses like that. If you have any advice please contact me ♥

I have so many dreams for life, and I slowly feel like things are coming forth. I know so many of us have dreams and desires, and we just think that they will never happen so we don’t take a leap of faith. Well, I’m telling you, as a girl who suffered so badly from seizures. And was unable to do so much with my life. Is now taking my leap into new beginnings, you should too! I still have two diseases, but I really want to experience life, so I’m not letting those drag me down.

I hope and pray that you take your leap of faith. If you want to talk more please contact me. ♥

Click HERE to read the Darling post.

Seizure Free!

The sad thing is I feel like most of my posts are full of bad news. Bad health updates, how depressed I am, just how hard life is (if not I have severe memory loss haha).

This one, however, will not be like that. The 10th of this month was my 3 month anniversary of being seizure free. Just writing that makes me cry. I truly had no idea what a life was like without so many seizures a day. And the crazy thing is when they were testing me, even when I wasn’t feeling my seizures, there was still soooooo much seizure activity going on. So I always felt so sick for a good reason, so much activity going on there!

Well, Rous and I got back from our trip to the mayo a couple days ago. I’ve had so many people asking how it went, and I’m so bad at explaining things using my mouth now. Part of my brain that they burned off was the ability to think of words, thankfully I’m on a computer now and can take my sweet time, but when I talk to people it is such a struggle for me. So here is the little update….

Every MRI, ct scan, EEG (that’s basically all brain testing) that they did on me, came back completely seizure free. Zero seizure activity! My Drs. were even impressed by that. They thought I’d still be having at least one a week, but nope none. My sweet Neurologist says in about 3 months she will start weening me off my high dose of meds. At first I was a little bummed that it wouldn’t be right away, but I think I can wait 3 more months. She just wants to be extra careful with me and I’m so beyond grateful for the care i’ve received from her. They want me to see a speech therapist so I’ll hopefully be able to relearn how to communicate.

The hard thing is my blindness is still strongly there. Hasn’t exactly improved. Both eyes are now 25 percent blind. I’m slowly getting used to it, but still hoping that it comes back. My short term memory is significantly worse. They told me it would be, but wow they really burned off almost all of it. I feel so bad because I can’t remember anyone. Who they are, what their name is, memories of us. It’s crazy. The funny thing is I have had so many people say, “Hey my memory is just as bad and I didn’t have surgery.” I’m laughing now just writing this because no, no it’s not. Ha people don’t know what it’s like to have that burned off. I know so many people say things like that to try and relate, but it’s just hard to hear so much. I almost didn’t write this, but I thankfully can’t remember anyone who said it, I just know it’s been said to me so much. So I guess that’s a plus with memory loss :)Tee hee. And don’t be upset if you did say it!

This trip to the Mayo was seriously such a huge blessing to both Rous and myself. It was honestly just full of joy and real blessing from the Lord. I got to see a very dear friend, her name is Hope. Of course it is 🙂 I met her last time I was there and we got to talk about brain problems. That woman has suffered so much. She has had soooo many surgeries on her brain. And she even has my heart disease, POTS. I just am so blessed to know someone who truly understands what it likes to suffer in my way. People who have hard health issues definitely get this! This is Hope, and I’m asking you right now to just lift this amazing woman up in prayer. Pray for strength, peace, joy and healing. Prayer is so powerful! ♥IMG_5418

One of the days Rousseaux and I went into Starbucks and sat down at a table. I of course wanted to be in the sun so I had us move to a long table. There was a man sitting at the far end of it working on his laptop. We were there a couple minutes and the man says to me that I should get out of the sun. I told him how much I love being in the sun. A few minutes later we start opening up to each other…Why we were in Arizona, what I just went through. He turns his computer to us and what do you know he was in the process of studying? Focal seizures! My ex seizures! We were all so blown away by it. He is on his last steps of becoming a neurologist! We moved down by him and just started talking about life. It was his birthday, and he’s so far away from his family. He felt so blessed by us. And we thought it was so special to meet him. One of the sweetest most genuine, Jesus loving men we’ve met. We knew that was the Lord. We had breakfast with him the next morning and he drove us around showing us neat things there.His name is Giorgio. Which was even funnier to us because Rousseaux and I have a nickname for each other called Georgieaux, pronounced the same.

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The rest of the trip was talks of the future. What will life be like now without this? Do I have my blood disease? Yes. But I have had no serious bleeding in months! Do I have my heart disease? Yes. But I’m slowly trying to get used to it by ignoring and not fearing the symptoms that I get. We want to travel. I want to go to Australia! I first knew I was in love with Rous when he was living there and I was here, it’s so special to us. I have my first job that I love so much. I wanted to stop after my first day because I had never done so much or anything like that. My amazing boss said that I could, I could go home and get back on the couch all day. Or I could step out and try this. Wow, that blew my mind and encouraged me to keep going, and i’m so thankful that I have.

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Here is my beautiful Neurologist!

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A little post I did after seeing my surgeon:

Today I got to see my amazing surgeon, of course I started crying when I saw him. The Lord used him to totally take away my seizures! He said he was so so happy for me, and how sad he was of how sick and depressed I got after surgery. He kept reiterating how excited he was for my recovery and how different my life is going to be, starting at 25 being new. And how thankful he is to be able to do what he does to help me. Thank you sweet Dr. Zimmerman

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It’s been on my heart for awhile now, and just recently I really felt called to write a little book about my struggles, battles, hardships, and joy that I’m able to have through it all. Since going through such hard things since a young age, my prayer has always been that the Lord will use me to be a light and example to others who are battling such hardships. Now that I’m starting a new season of my life I feel it is time to start on this book. The crazy thing is I was at work, and my old Pastor Peter-John came in. I was just thinking about contacting him the day before because he wrote a book, and his testimony of what he’s been through touched me so much. I told him that I was thinking about it and he said he didn’t think he was suppose to be in the store to buy something, but to tell me that I absolutely am suppose to write a book! So well, that’s confirmation for me alright! If you have any wisdom, knowledge advice please please contact me.

My friend Amy, has started a fundraiser for me. As most of you know brain surgery, drs appointments, massive amounts of testing and traveling back and forth can be expensive. If you feel led to give even a tiny bit it would bless us so much. We fully know the Lord will provide and that thankfully gives us peace. Click here for the link 🙂

As most of you know I’ve wanted to meet Ellen and give her a hug. Thanking her for all the laughter she’s brought me through so many days of sorrow. I have not heard from her yet, but we made another video to hopefully get in contact with her…

Here is our new video, I can now sing from surgery!!

2 Month Celebration

It was 9 years of having multiple seizures a day, 2 years of having over 20 a day. They would wear me out so badly. I couldn’t talk when I was having one, I couldn’t tell whoever I was with that I was. I couldn’t even think of the word seizure after I was done having one. I was so beyond fatigued after one, my whole body just felt so sick. I could barely talk for quite awhile after. I couldn’t eat after. I didn’t even remember what life was like to not have multiple seizures a day.

Today is the 2 month celebration of not one seizure since my surgery. I’m crying out of joy as I write this. I had no clue what it was like to live a seizure free life. Wow, it is so beyond different. I honestly feel like a new person! My heart and head feel so much kinder towards…life! I have a joy that I don’t ever remember having. My desires to do so many things are slowly becoming realities and I just feel so blessed, so thankful, so happy.

The first month or  I regretted it badly. Even though I wasn’t having seizures it made me  beyond sick. And I was  out of it, and so scared that that’s what my life would be like. They didn’t warn me about any side effects, but boy did I have them! Now all that I really have is the blindness on the right side of both my eyes, which I’m slowly getting used to. And the ability to not think of words as I’m talking, ha which I’m not used to at all. I’ve lost so so much memory, but really I’m completely ok with that. I can’t remember names, or a lot of memories. But I’ve learned to write things down quickly!

I’ve desired for such a long time to be able to bless people in a big way. And although you might not think this is big, it sure makes people happy. I no longer charge for my photography. I want to be able to give people full sessions and edits with no cost! I’ve already started and it’s just made me so happy! I’m doing a wedding next month! My desire is to really be set up with a nicer camera and lens so I can bless people in a bigger way. This Saturday I’m having a little shop in my backyard of beautiful clothes and house decorations, to try and raise money for this project I’m working on. Ugh I’m just so excited!

Early June, Rous and I head off to the Mayo Clinic for a couple days for lots of testing and Drs appointments. I’m very curious of what a machine will actually catch in my brain. Is all the seizure activity really gone? There’s been moments where I feel like I might have one, but I don’t. I wonder if that’s actual seizure activity or just my body so dang used to it that I feel that. We shall see!

I have 1 sickness down, and two to go! One of the cures for POTS (heart disease) is working out. I haven’t been able to because of how sick I was. But for the past 3 weeks I’ve been working out pretty hard, so desperate for my heart to function normal, so I feel normal. It’s been just all around amazing for my health and mind ♥

Thank you to all the people who gave us food for a whole month after the surgery, wow was that needed and such a blessing. I don’t really remember most, but just know that I’m thankful. Thank you to the 100s of people praying for me, for all the kind words, sweet notes, loving hugs. So much love to you all ♥

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Photo by my dear friend Rachel Haylie. Go check her out at Rachelhaylie.com

Brand New Day

The start of a new day can be one that brings so much sadness and despair, it can bring hoplessness because of the circumstances and pain felt. Today though, isn’t a day like that. I woke up very early, and my whole body just hurt so bad, I felt so beyond tired. And thought, “great, here goes another day like this!”. But as I was sitting on our little couch and the clouds began to fade away and the sun began to shine, I got a restored hope for a good day. It’s good to have a day filled with hope. Today I’m hopeful for a day with energy and joy, a day that i’m able to get stuff done and actually do something with my life. Yay for happy days!

We got home from Arizona on the 28th, which just so happened to be my 25th birthday. It’s so nice to be home and just able to rest, think about everything that happened, talk about the plans for the future and just pray for peace. My birthdays are normally pretty hard for me emotionally, I wish my mind didn’t think this, but it does. Another year of sickness. 13 years..really? 13? Well, this year I will continue praying and believing in healing of my whole body. Brain, blood, and heart.

The trip to Arizona was surprisingly really good. Ok, maybe I shouldn’t say really good. But I was filled with a joy as I was literally locked to the hospital bed. The Drs. all saw it in me and I got to tell them about my hope and faith. I can’t believe how amazing those Drs. were. I saw 5 different doctors and each time they left the room I would cry, not because of sadness, but because of how grateful I am for the true genuine care and concern they had for me. Just the most loving people. I also got to bond with two different nurses. Gosh, they really just know how to make things better. I’m so beyond thankful for good nurses, if you’re a good nurse and you’re reading this, I LOVE YOU!

They were monitoring my brain 24/7 and luckily (?) they sure found what they were looking for. Almost constant activity in my left temporal lobe, which is where my seizures come from. When they took me off my medication, there was constantly abnormal stuff going on there. Even when I wasn’t having one of my seizures things looked wrong in there, which scared them. They all truly believe that removing it is just going to help my seizures so much. 70% chance that they’ll be gone forever! Ugh I can’t even imagine what that’ll be like. I have around 10 seizures every day. If not gone forever maybe 1 a week. Hey that sounds amazing!

Brain surgery for anyone is dangerous, but brain surgery for a girl with no platelets is extra. But they thankfully say it can be done. I will be closely monitored and given my treatment constantly to insure there’s no bleeding. One of the Drs. stayed in our room for about 45 minutes explaining how everything will work. Most of the time I had tears just streaming down my face. I’m so hopeful. But i’m so scared. I’m so scared of the pain i’ll feel, and the complications that could happen. I know, I know, I shouldn’t worry, and don’t one of you tell me that unless you’ve had this done! Thankfully my trust is not in man, but is in God.

We did get to meet the surgeon and of course he was super sweet! He seemed pretty confident in his ability, just a little concerned about the bleeding. He made it sound like a piece of cake to put the laser in there and zap a section of my brain out. Am I concerned i’ll wake up and not know who Rousseaux is? Yes I am. Am I imagining they’ll touch something in my brain that will make me sing like Beyonce? Yes, yes I am. So very many weird and random thoughts happening. I try to just imagine feeling good though.

They called yesterday and said they could schedule it for February 17th, that immediately made me start crying. So soon? I just got home. She understood and said 1st week of March is when it will happen. I’ll be seeing 3 drs before and getting a PET scan done. And then boom i’ll be under for surgery baby!

If I’m up for it I might try and go to Disneyland before, maybe fly up to Seattle to see my Uncle, maybe get a tattoo! I mean I need to do something before I do something this big that’ll put me down for awhile right?! If you have suggestions let me know!

We have absolutely felt so much love and support, and I’m truly just so thankful! The cards, the plants, the food, the clean house (thank you Jenna!). People are always asking what they can do to help and I can never think of anything, but now I have. Things that really help when I’m just unable to do anything are those things. Kind little cards, cute little houseplants,gluten free dinner for Rous and I (trader joes frozen meals are kinda making me sick), and helping with the house! So if you ever want to help when i’m going through a bad phase those are it! Love to you all♥

Oh! One more thing can I just say how amazing it is how many shares and views my Ellen video got? Honestly it’s been keeping me happy thinking that i’ll get to meet her someday. If you want keep sharing my video or even write to her, now that would be just amazing! I wonder if i’ll even know who she is after surgery..a joke! Calm down, my memory will still be there…I hope!

PLEASE SHARE THE VIDEO! 🙂

Wow I’m really craving a donut now, why are there not amazing gluten free donuts?!

Thanksgiving

The past week as been pretty hard down time. My seizures have kinda been out of control, I’ve just had to lay in bed flat and have Rous call and check up on me just to make sure nothings happened. These days are on the scarier side, the days that make me feel kinda helpless and hopeless. But it popped up on my Facebook that a year ago I was feeling this same way. All the encouraging words that poured forth from people on that blog post boosted my spirits in a way I did not think would have been possible today ♥

Yesterday I had a Drs. appointment with a new Neurologist here in Medford. Now if I could sum up my times with male neurologist it would just be a pool full of tears. I don’t know what it is, but wow they have been seriously uncaring and rough. My hematologist here wants me to just have one before I leave for the Mayo Clinic so they’ll be able to communicate with someone here, and if I need other testing here when I get back. So I of course agreed. Did I have anxiety before I met this man? Yes, yes I did. I was telling Tina (my amazing mother in law) about all my times and she was just really hoping for the best. She thankfully took me because I haven’t been able to drive. So when he walked in the room and had Rousseaux’s hair I knew he was going to be different. I start telling him about my health and he just starts cracking up and says there’s nothing he can do about it. Ha which it wasn’t a mocking laugh, it was i’m too messed up. He said he wants to be able to help in anyway possible. Which he of course said I have a very unusual case and need serious testing, thankfully the Mayo will be doing. The whole appointment was full of genuine concern for me and laughing. I was so beyond blown away by it, serious prayers answered! So now I have a man I trust about my brain just right down the road, wow.

I just had to write down a couple of the things i’m just so thankful for right now:

*Tina, who’s been able to take me to so many appointments and just be truly encouraging through it all. Thank you for driving me to all my appointments and errands!!!

*My nurses, who I hadn’t seen in awhile. I went to drop off a Christmas card for them and just their genuine love and concern for me has always blessed me so much. I walked out of the room and down the elevator just crying out of how much those women have blessed me.

*This adorable house that the Lord has blessed us with and the huge backyard. I’m so excited once i’m feeling up to it to just begin working and creating an amazing garden.

* Rousseaux, the best friend I’ll ever have. Who makes me laugh when i’m feeling super jacked up and is always so beyond loving to me. I’m so excited for him to be able to leave for a couple weeks and be with me during Mayo.

*Boylan’s and Brasseurs, love all my family so much♥

*My cutest dog who lays with me all day.

*This awesome church that I get to be apart of and am so blessed when able to go.

*Living down in Southern Oregon, ugh it’s just so pretty

*All the help we’ve had with this new project of a house.

*Mike and Sally Brown, all the wisdom they’ve given us..sheesh

*Always knowing Deb Larson is praying for me, I love that woman so much and can say I’m happy about Eugene because of her.

*The 100s of people I know that are praying for me, who knows where I’d be!

*Having hope in a better tomorrow

*Seriously good meat omelettes. Wow I think that might be my favorite meal.

*All of our dear friends in Eugene, who we talk about daily.

*Essential oils

*Wow, now i’m seriously just craving an omelet.

*Going on adventure photoshoots.

*The Suanders moving to our house. Knowing they’ll be people close, cutest kids, sweetest wife, and ridiculously funny(?) husband.

*All the lives I’ve seen changed for the better because of their new found hope.

*The amazing staff at Hematology/Oncology

*All the hilarious “advice” people give us.

*New friendships

*All the encouraging older women in my life.

I still just need an omelet. ♥

Love is patient, love is kind.

well, it’s definitely been awhile since i’ve been on here. recently i’ve had quite a few people come up to me saying they want me to update on my blog and one person saying how much of a blessing it was to them, which in return really made me happy!

The past couple months lots has changed. Rousseaux and i were very blessed to be able to move back down to southern oregon. it’s so weird, neither of us thought we’d really ever like to move back, but boy are we so happy we did. he’s now working at an amazing church that we’re both so thankful for and part time at a coffee shop. he’s doing so beyond much to provide for us and i’m so beyond grateful for that man!

i am now back to seeing my Dr. of who i had for 7 years. i can’t even describe how much of a relief it is to be under the care of this woman. to know how much she loves me and is there for me. so much of my anxiety is gone just because of her. that whole drs office i love so much. my first day back i cried quite a few times seeing so many faces who make my visits good! i am so thankful for each one of them. since being back i have not had a treatment, because there’s been (basically) no active bleeding. the lowest my platelet count got was 3,000 and wow was i bruising. All my symptoms are back since moving here; bloody noses, big bruises, PETECHIA, blood blisters in mouth and lots of gum bleeding. which is just so weird because my platelets were low in eugene, but i hardly showed it! Oh well, unless there’s serious bleeding i’m not going to get a treatment. but if i do get one i have the best nurses in the world who i love and miss so much! they have been some of the most amazing woman in my life over the years and i’m so touched by them!

i’ve been trying to fill up my time, when i’m feeling good, so i’m not home all day. so i started pursuing photography. i’ve absolutely loved it for years, but never really thought about making it a little business, for fun and to help Rous! so i’ve been able to spend hours shooting people and editing. it’s been so fun and i’m so grateful for the OPPORTUNITIES i’ve had. i can’t wait to learn more, experience more and meet more people doing it! Visit geoegiarose.org to see!

my strength and faith over the past year has been very rough. i’ve questioned god so much. i’ve cried and felt so alone, so much. since getting my new heart disease i’ve really struggled with my faith and walk. the passion that once burned inside me seems to have faded…but i can say with a joyous heart that since moving back down here my hope has increased, my joy and delight in the lord is coming back, my desire to bring his love to this world is there and i’m so excited!

my pastor, kenner, taught on what it really means to love as a christian this morning. i was really convicted, but also really excited and inspired. we are to love as christ loved, which is hard, but we’re called to do it. when i’m tired and don’t feel like loving, i’m called to. when someone is rude and hurtful, i’m called to. when they seem absolutely unlovable, i’m called to.. i pray that this next chapter of my life, our life will be one that i do pour out his love. i want jesus to use what i’m going through to bring his love into this wolrd. i don’t want to be sick, but for the time that i am i want to be used!

quick little story, and i’m done! i was sitting at the drs office waiting for my results (i am always the youngest one in there!!) and this older man sits across from me. he just had a sweet presence about him. he didn’t creep me out like most men who smile at me. he saw that they had to draw my blood twice and he said that made him sad, and he realy meant it. he got called into see his dr and i didn’t think i’d see him again. but they had ordered the wrong tests for me and basically it was taking over an hour to do what should have taken 20 minutes. i was trying not to get mad, which can easily happen at the drs, and i told rous next to me that maybe the lord had a purpose for this. welp 40 minutes later the man came walking out of his appointment and was surprised to see me. he said he was so saddened to see someone so young in there and that he will be praying for me every night and that there really is a god. i stood up and said that jesus is the only one  getting me through this. he came over, gave me a hug and started crying. well, we both did. he said he prays every night on his knees and he faithfully will be praying for me. he encouraged me that this is not it. that jesus is coming back and when he does every tear will be wiped away and every sickness healed. i felt so encouraged by that! it was so neat to see how that was ORCHESTRATED!

i don’t know who still reads my blog, but i love you all and am so grateful for the support and love i’ve RECEIVED from you over the years ♥

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Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.  It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails