As I woke up this morning it was on my heart, that yes, I do need to be here for others going through suffering, going through hard times of life, going through hardness. Since my surgery happened almost 11 months ago, and I feel in no where near my old self, and not all recovered yet. I have felt so afraid by so many things, so afraid of people. I have been treated in a lot of really sad and messed up ways. Pre surgery I was able to handle being uncared for as a sick person, I could handle being gossiped about, I could handle being uncared for. I could even handle constantly compare themselves to me when they as how I’m doing.
Since this last major brain surgery, I am unable to handle those things. It was a severe traumatic experience. Everything that I just wrote about people have still been treating me in this way, Even when I could barely walk, could barely talk, was blind in both eyes (now just a quarter of both eyes), had a brain swollen for so many months, and I couldn’t do anything right. Yet, I was treated in those same ways. It’s mind blowing for me. People would look to themselves about what they wanted from me, when I physically and mentally couldn’t do anything. Could you imagine the pain and fear that caused me?
When people have opened up from me over the years about their health, from ALL over the world (crazy). I don’t just bring up my pain, I truly care for them and can only imagine what it’s like for them to have to go through that situation. I know what it’s like for them to tell me they feel alone…which is the majority of people I know or random people from social media opening up to me. People that know them aren’t even there for them. They feel so uncared for and unloved. They feel so judged.
To say that I haven’t judged anyone would be highly wrong. I know I have over the years. I know how a lot of it has had to do with me being a sick person and seeing things differently, so quick of me to judge, quick of me to want people to be “right”. Still growing in that, and I think we all will for the rest of our lives.
The extreme judgement after this crazy experience has been so hard on me. So quick to judge that I’m already healed, quick to judge that Rous and I are already thinking of having kids, quick to judge that I’m a b word with relationships, when people don’t even know the relationships. It’s been so hurtful to me and so heavy. So ready to stop this blog, ready to stop my work on Instagram. Ready to stop everything and hide so I’m not judged in the way I’m seen.
Talked to my Mom last night because I was about to have moment of reaching my threshold that really makes me a different person. She had said that even if I wasn’t as open as I am, to be there to those who suffer and to be there for those who want to learn. I would still be judged. Even if I didn’t own a phone and computer I would still be judged. The teaching we listened to today had me crying the whole time. The Lord has given us ALL a purpose and He has specific things for us. Since feeling so judged and hurt I’ve wanted to throw away every social media. But I know, I know that I have a clear purpose for these 16 years of suffering. I’ve learned SO much of how to be there for those suffering and I want so deeply for others to be there for those going through crazy hard times. I can’t just give it all up because I feel hurt and uncared for and judged. No, I just have to turn my cheek and pray to God. Give each post to the glory of God, and hopes that other humans understand how not to be there to others in the midst of suffering.
One of the things that I wish I would’ve felt encouraged by was the business I have on Instagram. I’m able to work with so many brands, meet so many people, and be able to work with areas I’m good at. Photography, editing and social media. I have felt like people thing I’m just a girl so into myself. Which I get where you could go with that. But no, I make money. While I”m at home laying flat literally, the majority of all my days. If as a christian you think I shouldn’t be posting photos of myself to make money while working at home, what do you think? Do you understand how that could hurt coming to someone who’s ill? I have a passion for editing and creating content for business, it’s SO healthy for me to be able to work in a way that I”m good at and love. If you think I’m super into myself and want to feel pretty…ha, you don’t know me. I’ve talked very specifically to the people I respect about this subject. I’ve met and reached to so many people, a lot who aren’t even saved. Who see me on social media as somebody different, but they relate because they have a job with companies like I do. Hopefully this will be my last time even talking about this. If you think I’m all healed and better because I post photos of myself, nope. I do it when able for brands to pay me, and then work on editing when I’m unable to go walk around.
I know many others who “look” normal, and are talked like they are fine and healthy because they look fine. No, we’re not. Just because we look fine, in no way means we feel good and are healthy people. I feel for every single one who’s talked to me about this or who’s reading this and gets it. If you saw me at home when I feel so sick, maybe you would stop assuming and judging. For all the sick people I speak this.
For the extreme few people who I have felt so cared for and loved during this traumatic affection of my life, wow I thank you more than could ever be expressed. To my neurologist who has to email me back constantly saying, I’m STILL recovering from this brain surgery, I thank you. Making me feel like one day I’ll be better, one day it all won’t be this hard. But, that’s up to the Lord. Whether I’m sick on this earth, God’s the one with a purpose or whether I’m healed and feel what life is really like not sick one day, then I would so highly praise God and give it all to Him. ♥
I love taking photos of the ocean.
Hello my wonderful friends!
This new season of my life has been pretty crazy, and dare I say wonderful?! I’ve been so blessed by all the love and support I’ve had. I’ve been so truly blessed to have a life that’s waaaaay more normal than the one I was living. Seizure free, has abled me to start living the life I’ve always dreamed of.
I’m able to have my first job at my most favorite store, Terra Firma Home. Every time I’m there I’m so full of joy. I’ve never have been able to be around people, and meet so so many new people. The only time I was around new (ish) people, was church, and Doctors/hospital visits. So this has brought me so much joy to meet new people, and talk with them.
Rous, and I have been talking about all the plans for the future that we’re now able to do. It’s so crazy. We didn’t realize how held back we were, until I was free of this. The other night at 8 PM we spontaneously drove to the coast, went to bed in our Subaru in the back, woke up at 5 to watch the sunrise.. Of course it was too cloudy and foggy so we explored the ocean. Had such good quality time. We’ve never been able to do things like that because I was too sick. Did this make me extra tired? Yes, but my seizures didn’t double up because of the lack of sleep. Now we can’t wait to see what the future hold for us!
I’ve alway have had a desire to truly be a light to this world. I’ve learned so much from all of this, and want to inspire girls, and others who are suffering. Since having more energy and the ability to do more things, this desire has really increased. I’ve been reaching out to so many people to encourage and help, with just life, and I’m so grateful for it.
I want to share my story with so many, but have never really been able to grasp how. A little over a year ago this article I wrote at Darling Magazine, was chosen to be featured. It’s been so encouraging to me to remember that that happened. I love Darling, and the message they portray of natural, and healthy beauty. I hope to get more involved with them and other businesses like that. If you have any advice please contact me ♥
I have so many dreams for life, and I slowly feel like things are coming forth. I know so many of us have dreams and desires, and we just think that they will never happen so we don’t take a leap of faith. Well, I’m telling you, as a girl who suffered so badly from seizures. And was unable to do so much with my life. Is now taking my leap into new beginnings, you should too! I still have two diseases, but I really want to experience life, so I’m not letting those drag me down.
I hope and pray that you take your leap of faith. If you want to talk more please contact me. ♥
Click HERE to read the Darling post.
The past week as been pretty hard down time. My seizures have kinda been out of control, I’ve just had to lay in bed flat and have Rous call and check up on me just to make sure nothings happened. These days are on the scarier side, the days that make me feel kinda helpless and hopeless. But it popped up on my Facebook that a year ago I was feeling this same way. All the encouraging words that poured forth from people on that blog post boosted my spirits in a way I did not think would have been possible today ♥
Yesterday I had a Drs. appointment with a new Neurologist here in Medford. Now if I could sum up my times with male neurologist it would just be a pool full of tears. I don’t know what it is, but wow they have been seriously uncaring and rough. My hematologist here wants me to just have one before I leave for the Mayo Clinic so they’ll be able to communicate with someone here, and if I need other testing here when I get back. So I of course agreed. Did I have anxiety before I met this man? Yes, yes I did. I was telling Tina (my amazing mother in law) about all my times and she was just really hoping for the best. She thankfully took me because I haven’t been able to drive. So when he walked in the room and had Rousseaux’s hair I knew he was going to be different. I start telling him about my health and he just starts cracking up and says there’s nothing he can do about it. Ha which it wasn’t a mocking laugh, it was i’m too messed up. He said he wants to be able to help in anyway possible. Which he of course said I have a very unusual case and need serious testing, thankfully the Mayo will be doing. The whole appointment was full of genuine concern for me and laughing. I was so beyond blown away by it, serious prayers answered! So now I have a man I trust about my brain just right down the road, wow.
I just had to write down a couple of the things i’m just so thankful for right now:
*Tina, who’s been able to take me to so many appointments and just be truly encouraging through it all. Thank you for driving me to all my appointments and errands!!!
*My nurses, who I hadn’t seen in awhile. I went to drop off a Christmas card for them and just their genuine love and concern for me has always blessed me so much. I walked out of the room and down the elevator just crying out of how much those women have blessed me.
*This adorable house that the Lord has blessed us with and the huge backyard. I’m so excited once i’m feeling up to it to just begin working and creating an amazing garden.
* Rousseaux, the best friend I’ll ever have. Who makes me laugh when i’m feeling super jacked up and is always so beyond loving to me. I’m so excited for him to be able to leave for a couple weeks and be with me during Mayo.
*Boylan’s and Brasseurs, love all my family so much♥
*My cutest dog who lays with me all day.
*This awesome church that I get to be apart of and am so blessed when able to go.
*Living down in Southern Oregon, ugh it’s just so pretty
*All the help we’ve had with this new project of a house.
*Mike and Sally Brown, all the wisdom they’ve given us..sheesh
*Always knowing Deb Larson is praying for me, I love that woman so much and can say I’m happy about Eugene because of her.
*The 100s of people I know that are praying for me, who knows where I’d be!
*Having hope in a better tomorrow
*Seriously good meat omelettes. Wow I think that might be my favorite meal.
*All of our dear friends in Eugene, who we talk about daily.
*Wow, now i’m seriously just craving an omelet.
*Going on adventure photoshoots.
*The Suanders moving to our house. Knowing they’ll be people close, cutest kids, sweetest wife, and ridiculously funny(?) husband.
*All the lives I’ve seen changed for the better because of their new found hope.
*The amazing staff at Hematology/Oncology
*All the hilarious “advice” people give us.
*All the encouraging older women in my life.
I still just need an omelet. ♥